afterTHOT: Just Friends

My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best. 

afterTHOT: The Ex’s New Boo

I had to go over to The Ex’s to tie up some loose ends the other day.  While there, I had a cocktail and caught up with him and his friend.  Then he walked me to the bus stop so that he could vent a little about this friend.  Apparently this friend was betraying his trust and sneaking to read his text messages.  I was totally confused as to why this friend would be all up in his bitnass like that.

Me: There’s no reason for him to be in your personal stuff like that.  (as we continued down the block, I stopped, stepped back, and threw my hands up).  Unless he’s your new boyfriend.

The Ex:  Well he’s not over at my place helping me clean for no reason.  But we’re not there yet.

Okay, now he’s being honest and open.  Okay, this is a good thing, as I don’t want to lose him entirely.  We spent our entire adult lives together thus far.  

Me:  Oh ok.  Well, he still don’t needa be prying like that.  We were together almost 12yrs and I still never invaded your privacy.  Well, not until the very end because you was lyin’.  We not gonna get into that right now, but you know you was lyin’.

Then we both laughed.  He didn’t deny that he was runnin’ around behind my back actin’ brand new.  He opened up to me.  He admitted his betrayal.  

So then on Monday I performed one of my stories from my personal repertoire at a weekly event.  I was booked last minute so I didn’t really invite anyone to come.  Then The Ex called me on the day of the show.  When he found out I was performing, he promised to come.  Well, I gave up on his promises long ago, yet he actually did show up. I was the first to go on, and he literally left right after my performance.  So he was there just to support me.  That’s sweet.  He also convinced TENB (The Ex’s New Boo) to come watch as well, but he was late arriving so he missed my performance and missed The Ex.  So The Ex text me after he’d left to ask me to keep an eye out for him since his phone died and he wasn’t able to let him know that he’d left.  What the fuck!  How did I end up chatting over a drink at the bar with TENB?!  ONLY IN MY LIFE!  But I’m glad The Ex and I can move forward peacefully and with love.

afterTHOT: No Room At This Table

So recently I randomly ran into The Ex out in public for the first time…it was also the first time he met any of my new friends.

Red Flamingo and I were dining at the fine establishment of Micky D’s, and I had my back to the entrance (a very non-mafia thing to do).  Suddenly out of nowhere I notice this hand reach down from behind me and snatch some of my fries.  Now if you knew me, you’d know that French fries are my second favorite food next to chocolate.  I could live off of those two things if I had to!

I look up, and to my amazement it was The Ex.  We’re not in either of the neighborhoods in which we both live, so I didn’t really expect to see him.  Although we both lived in that neighborhood together for years.  So it was a bit nostalgic.  I introduced him and his loser friend to Red Flamingo, who didn’t hear the name and wasn’t quite sure who The Ex was at first.  Then when they went to order their food, Red Flamingo asked me if that’s who he thought it was.  I let him know that it was.

Red Flamingo was like “I had to read your cues because I wasn’t sure if I should’ve scooted over to let them sit with us.”  And I was like “Ida been mad!”  Red Flamingo then joked that that would’ve been the second time he trapped me with an ex!  Ha!

Then The Ex and his friend sat across the restaurant.  It’s the FIRST time The Ex and I have been in the same venue and eaten at separate tables.  It was a bit weird.  All for the best, but it still hurt.  He still breaks my heart when I think about the situation.

Cold and Cordial

So last night went exactly as I was predicting. The Scientist was cordial and said hi and even gave me an awkward hug to greet me. But he didn’t really talk to me nor did he even look my way. He hates me. And I did that. 😔😔 So now I must live with the consequences. He was on his phone all the time and uninterested. I don’t know if that’s how he is in group settings or if he just didn’t wanna be around me. And then he left after the escape room (in which we died 🤣🤣). He was going to meet another friend. Prolly the person he was texting all night. I for real scared him off white boys and also “proved him right” about all of us. 

And just as expected, I’m heartbroken all over again. I will survive, but it’s gonna hurt for a while after reopening the wound. 

Emergency 

Call me psychotic. Call me obsessed. But I had to write an emergency post bc tonite is the nite‼️ Red Flamingo’s bday party is tonite and I’m. Freaking. Out‼️‼️ My friends tell me I’m overreacting and not to worry about The Scientist bc he’s already moved on. Right‼️ That’s part of what hurts so much‼️ The feelings were one way. It tore me up so much I told all my friends and even acquaintances. I really am crazy and spill the T to anyone (my business that is). Either way Ima be hurt tonite. Bc if it goes badly, that’s gonna suck. If it goes well, then Ima be angry that he cut me off without a word for so long and then decided to be nice. Now I’m just repeating what I said last time. But no. Cordial and polite is all that it can be. Beyond that will just not be fair. I’m expecting heartbreak all over again. Especially because I poured my soul out in a letter that prolly came out even worse sounding than what I’d originally said. Fuck‼️ But Ima be strong and confident and cheerful and fabulous and me‼️ Secretly there’s part of me that would love to meet his other friends tonite and have them love me and make him jealous‼️ But I can’t be petty. And I can’t be angry. We are adults and he made an adult decision that was best for his adult life. Not mine. But maybe in collateral it was best for me too. So stop freaking out‼️‼️‼️‼️

afterTHOT: Not So Magical

I am about to break my promise again, but as we draw nearer to Red Flamingo’s bday party on Saturday, I’m FREAKING OUT. I know I said I wouldn’t bring up The Scientist again, but shit, how can I not think about him.  Am I psychotically obsessed?  No, right?  I mean it makes sense that I’d be freaking out about seeing him for the first time in 7 months.

I have to be the best version of me: I have to look fabulous, be cordial, not be fake, be sweet, have fun, and look like I’m full of life. He needs to see what he’s missing.

I’ve played out a million scenarios in my mind of how it could all go. Of course I want us to run back into each other’s arms, but the fact of the matter is that’s not going to happen. I mean, c’mon, he ain’t even corresponded with me one single way for over 7 months now‼️ I’m a monster to him. And then if it does go so well that we converse and have a great time together, that won’t be fair because of the fact that he ain’t wanna mess wit me for over 7 months.

I realized this will be the first time we hang out together in a group of friends. So will I see a different side of him?  Red Flamingo keeps telling me all kinds of things that make him seem way cooler than I already thought he was.  There’s so much he didn’t reveal about himself.  Either that, or he lied about shit.  I don’t want my other friends to finally meet him and realize just how cool he is and then think that I’m a jerk.  They won’t because they’re my friends.  But FUCK!

This will also be the first time that we will be out together and I won’t be going home with him. That’s gonna be super hard. I feel like this weekend is going to be heartbreak all over again‼️ I’m not ready. I’ve been hoping for 7 months now that I’d see him again, but this is going to be so hard‼️ I literally took the following Monday off of work for a mental day. Fuck. I am completely mental, aren’t I?

But we’ll still have fun bc we’re there for Red Flamingo’s bday!  It’s all about him.  It’s not about me or The Scientist.  But how do I interact?  My friends tell me to keep it short and sweet with my answers and conversation.  But I can’t let it be about me on my friend’s bday.  Even though he’s not gonna live past 28!  We gon win dat game, but Red Flamingo ain’t escaping that room…because Ima kill him!  Ha!

FullSizeRender (3)I asked the Magic 8 Ball app if I was going to be heartbroken all over again, and of course its response was matter-of-factly “Yes, for sure.”  Have any of you ever been in similar situations⁉️ Do you have any advice⁉️⁉️⁉️ I thought my Age of Heartbreak was over.

Speeding Toward Heartbreak

Once again, I am late with the Sunday post (obvi!).  I clearly backdated this post! Ha!

Red Flamingo and I went to a gay speed dating event the other week.  I’d met the Executive Director (ED) of a non-profit organization at the Onyx Party during International Mr. Leather over Memorial Day Weekend.  Of course, I was one of very few white people at this event, and of course I ended up knowing more of the black men in the room than the black guys I was with!  And of course they accused me of sleeping with all of them!  Ha!  Only one of them, though!  Ha!  Anyway, ED gave me a postcard for the speed dating and I convinced Red Flamingo to go with me the next month.  I wish I’d flirted a little more with ED, but it was a hectic night and we rushed out to the next party.

Red Flamingo and I were expecting something awkward.  We expected to have funny horror stories to tell, but it actually turned out to be quite cute.  And the free food was AWESOME:  jerk chicken, plantains, beans & rice, and a chocolate fondue fountain.  The organizers said they refused to just get a pizza.  There was free testing happening onsite as well.  It was a cute event that brought the community together.  Once again, I was the only white dude.  There was no potential love interest, but there were potential friends to be made.

This was only the second or third time they’d done the event, so it wasn’t very organized.  There were some improvements needed, and ED asked us to email him if we had any suggestions.  Some of the fellas had been to the other events.  I had a great time meeting new folks, and had great conversation with two of them in particular.  I feel like it’s a cute event for the gay community, especially those of color.  So after the 4th of July weekend, I decided WTF, Ima send him some feedback.  I also thought WTF, and told ED that he could share my info with those two guys if they’re looking for friends.  I also thought WTF and told ED that one of the main reasons I went to the speed dating event was because I was hoping I’d run into him!  He never responded to my email!  Ha!  No skin off my back, but I’m just in this place in life where I just don’t see the point in not living my life to the fullest and taking chances!