Sorry for the delay again; it was Memorial Day/IML weekend and then my friend visited and then the Pride Parade! I’ve just been so busy! It’s also taken me a while because this next post hurts to write. This is a very touchy subject and I fear you may judge me. But I promised I’d be honest otherwise what’s the point. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. Now for the lengthy conclusion of The Scientryst…
So I ended up asking The Scientist out on a few actual dates because I finally thought why the hell not?! And on our last date, we were having a great time as usual. However, when we got back to his place I sensed something was off but still being new to each other I couldn’t quite figure it out. So I ignored it. I stayed the night as usual and then he even kissed me goodbye the next morning. Nearly a week went by before he contacted me again! I had NO IDEA why he was ghosting me!!! It was so unlike us to not text everyday.
Then at midnight on a Saturday, when I should’ve been out living up my single life but instead I was sitting up in bed with The Ex (because the situation was so crazy that we had to live in a studio together), The Scientist texted me. His text essentially read:
“Honestly, I’ve enjoyed our time together, but your use of the word ‘nigga‘ is way too casual, and I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”
Disclaimer: yes, I know it’s inappropriate to use this word as a white person. However–and this is not an excuse but rather an explanation–after more than a decade of living with a black man and surrounding myself with people of color as my Chosen Family, it was a word that I picked up as a colloquial term. It was more of a learned term rather than an appropriated one. I had had conversations with my Chosen Family about the word and we had decided that they didn’t care whether I used it or not because I was part of their inner circle. It was like a term of endearment. Like I was accepted into a secret society. I knew, and they knew, that I would NEVER use that word in public or around other black folks…until I did. By accident. Or maybe subconsciously I was testing the boundaries or trying to create a life that I once had with The Ex or a life I always desired. Or perhaps I was subconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship before it had begun. In any instance, I was just falling so fast and becoming VERY intimate with The Scientist so quickly that I automatically put him in that inner circle. That in itself wasn’t fair as we were still new to each other and neither of us ready for anything serious. But it also wasn’t fair because I didn’t discuss it with him as I had with my Chosen Family.
So I instantly texted him back to explain this, but I’m pretty sure he’d already blocked my number. He’d blocked me on the dating app on which we met. We were never connected on social media. So we were over in the matter of an instant text message. I. Was. Devastated. Do you know how hard it is to hold back tears of heartbreak when you’re sitting in bed with The Ex who that recently broke your heart???? It takes every piece of energy in your bones!
I knew The Scientist was going abroad for a month-long business trip the next week. So I decided to give him the next few days to cool off and then I’d drop off a card with his door person. I wrote a heartfelt apology and wished him safe travels, included some temporary tattoos as a peace offering and waited a month for his return. But a month came and passed with no response. Even though The Ex and I had been over for a very long time, the heartbreak was still fresh. I’d never dealt with heartbreak before and now suddenly I was dealing with a double heartbreak‼️ And I finally thought I was nearing the end of the Age of Heartbreak. It’s gut wrenching. Heartbreak is literally every emotion wrapped into one.
Okay, I lied. Next week’s post will be an epilogue to The Scientryst. And then I promised my friends I’d move on. Even I’m tired of thinking about the situation. But you can’t help the way you feel, right? Like is he the one that got away? I try to think of it as I’m the one that got away!