App This

Dating apps are all the same. First of all, it’s the same people on every app. Second of all, they all treat you the same in every app. My coworkers convinced me to join Tinder because apparently now you can swipe left in groups with your friends. So me and these two little white girls from work decided to create a group together. So of course questions pop into mind: how does it work? Do we all three have to agree on a swipe? Nope. Figured that one out pretty quickly. Will we see individuals from the groups on the individual swipes? Not yet at least. What’s our game plan if we do get a match? Is it easier to Like other groups when they have the same amount of people? How do we tell if they’re looking for men or women? Why are so many of these groups so homogenous? Ugh. Is it bad that I don’t wanna match with an all white group? I mean, I am white. What does our group look like to others? Do we look like we lack diversity? 

Once we started getting matches, it was exciting at first. But then two of us noticed that it seems like the other girl keeps getting all the attention. But she’s great at responding to the messages. It’s also interesting to see her flirtation techniques. Much different than in person when we go to happy hour.  

However, there are just some thirsty dudes out there no matter what their sexuality is. And they say stupid shit. Doesn’t matter the app. Ugh, there weren’t even apps when I was last single. Shit, there weren’t even smart phones. 
On Grindr once, I told this guy that he had a “nice pic” with the waves crashing and the trees in the background. I mean he was cute but not drop dead gorgeous. Then he responded saying “thanks, I can’t say the same.” 

Wait, what? Are you one of those insecure types that doesn’t like his own pic, or are you saying I have a bad pic? So I asked him. Then we proceeded to argue about my eyeliner and it was clear this dude was never taught that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It was totally unnecessary and unwarranted. It’s clear he has not evolved enough. (Which is prolly what The Scientist thought about me…😔)

So then on Tinder in one of the group messages, this dude said “ChitChatJonny you’re out. Coworker Girl you’re in.” 

To which I responded, “why yes, I’ve been out for years now.”  

Then my other coworker sent a hilarious clap back gif and we pretty much moved on. Like we’re obvi on here as a group. 

We asked a straight duo to bring a friend for me and we think we coulda made that happen, but then I guess we didn’t respond quickly enough to they next message and they deleted us. What‼️Same shit on all these apps. That’s why I deleted Grindr a few weeks ago. For real this time‼️

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Cold and Cordial

So last night went exactly as I was predicting. The Scientist was cordial and said hi and even gave me an awkward hug to greet me. But he didn’t really talk to me nor did he even look my way. He hates me. And I did that. 😔😔 So now I must live with the consequences. He was on his phone all the time and uninterested. I don’t know if that’s how he is in group settings or if he just didn’t wanna be around me. And then he left after the escape room (in which we died 🤣🤣). He was going to meet another friend. Prolly the person he was texting all night. I for real scared him off white boys and also “proved him right” about all of us. 

And just as expected, I’m heartbroken all over again. I will survive, but it’s gonna hurt for a while after reopening the wound. 

Emergency 

Call me psychotic. Call me obsessed. But I had to write an emergency post bc tonite is the nite‼️ Red Flamingo’s bday party is tonite and I’m. Freaking. Out‼️‼️ My friends tell me I’m overreacting and not to worry about The Scientist bc he’s already moved on. Right‼️ That’s part of what hurts so much‼️ The feelings were one way. It tore me up so much I told all my friends and even acquaintances. I really am crazy and spill the T to anyone (my business that is). Either way Ima be hurt tonite. Bc if it goes badly, that’s gonna suck. If it goes well, then Ima be angry that he cut me off without a word for so long and then decided to be nice. Now I’m just repeating what I said last time. But no. Cordial and polite is all that it can be. Beyond that will just not be fair. I’m expecting heartbreak all over again. Especially because I poured my soul out in a letter that prolly came out even worse sounding than what I’d originally said. Fuck‼️ But Ima be strong and confident and cheerful and fabulous and me‼️ Secretly there’s part of me that would love to meet his other friends tonite and have them love me and make him jealous‼️ But I can’t be petty. And I can’t be angry. We are adults and he made an adult decision that was best for his adult life. Not mine. But maybe in collateral it was best for me too. So stop freaking out‼️‼️‼️‼️

afterTHOT: Not So Magical

I am about to break my promise again, but as we draw nearer to Red Flamingo’s bday party on Saturday, I’m FREAKING OUT. I know I said I wouldn’t bring up The Scientist again, but shit, how can I not think about him.  Am I psychotically obsessed?  No, right?  I mean it makes sense that I’d be freaking out about seeing him for the first time in 7 months.

I have to be the best version of me: I have to look fabulous, be cordial, not be fake, be sweet, have fun, and look like I’m full of life. He needs to see what he’s missing.

I’ve played out a million scenarios in my mind of how it could all go. Of course I want us to run back into each other’s arms, but the fact of the matter is that’s not going to happen. I mean, c’mon, he ain’t even corresponded with me one single way for over 7 months now‼️ I’m a monster to him. And then if it does go so well that we converse and have a great time together, that won’t be fair because of the fact that he ain’t wanna mess wit me for over 7 months.

I realized this will be the first time we hang out together in a group of friends. So will I see a different side of him?  Red Flamingo keeps telling me all kinds of things that make him seem way cooler than I already thought he was.  There’s so much he didn’t reveal about himself.  Either that, or he lied about shit.  I don’t want my other friends to finally meet him and realize just how cool he is and then think that I’m a jerk.  They won’t because they’re my friends.  But FUCK!

This will also be the first time that we will be out together and I won’t be going home with him. That’s gonna be super hard. I feel like this weekend is going to be heartbreak all over again‼️ I’m not ready. I’ve been hoping for 7 months now that I’d see him again, but this is going to be so hard‼️ I literally took the following Monday off of work for a mental day. Fuck. I am completely mental, aren’t I?

But we’ll still have fun bc we’re there for Red Flamingo’s bday!  It’s all about him.  It’s not about me or The Scientist.  But how do I interact?  My friends tell me to keep it short and sweet with my answers and conversation.  But I can’t let it be about me on my friend’s bday.  Even though he’s not gonna live past 28!  We gon win dat game, but Red Flamingo ain’t escaping that room…because Ima kill him!  Ha!

FullSizeRender (3)I asked the Magic 8 Ball app if I was going to be heartbroken all over again, and of course its response was matter-of-factly “Yes, for sure.”  Have any of you ever been in similar situations⁉️ Do you have any advice⁉️⁉️⁉️ I thought my Age of Heartbreak was over.

afterTHOT: Can I Escape

Ok. Don’t hate me. I know I promised to not bring up The Scientist again. But it’s only appropriate for this week’s afterTHOT to talk about him. Such ironic timing. Once I realized Red Flamingo was becoming friends with him, I realized there’s a possibility that he could be invited to Red Flamingo’s birthday party this month. Sho nuff. Red Flamingo invited him to his bday (and of course I secretly really wanna see him). He did ask me first if that was okay which is sweet, but I told him this is his bday and he should invite whom he wants. I think The Scientist is a great guy, so he should be friends wit him. And I know Red Flamingo is searching for more black friends. I get that. We all want to be with people of our own kind. And I respect that. But at first Red Flamingo didn’t want to tell The Scientist that we knew each other, but I told him it’s not fair if I know he’s coming and he doesn’t know I’m coming. What’s worse is Red Flamingo wants to do one of those zombie, team-building escape rooms. Wtf‼️‼️ You not only want us to both come to your party, but you wanna lock us both in a confined room together for an hour⁉️⁉️ But I finally convinced Red Flamingo to tell The Scientist that I’ll be there. The Scientist said ok and agreed to come. So he obvi don’t hate me so much he won’t show. But the situation (and my mind) is fucked up‼️ Who gets into these situations⁉️ So now I have a week to stress and anticipate every scenario in the book‼️

afterTHOT: Can I Escape

Ok. Don’t hate me. I know I promised to not bring up The Scientist again. But it’s only appropriate for this week’s afterTHOT to talk about him. Such ironic timing. Once I realized Red Flamingo was becoming friends with him, I realized there’s a possibility that he could be invited to Red Flamingo’s birthday party this month. Sho nuff. Red Flamingo invited him to his bday (and of course I secretly really wanna see him). He did ask me first if that was okay which is sweet, but I told him this is his bday and he should invite who he wants. I think The Scientist is a great guy, so he should be friends wit him. And I know Red Flamingo is searching for more black friends. I get that. We all want to be with people of our own kind. And I respect that. But at first Red Flamingo didn’t want to tell The Scientist that we knew each other, but I told him it’s not fair if I know he’s coming and he doesn’t know I’m coming. What’s worse is Red Flamingo wants to do one of those zombie, team-building escape rooms. Wtf‼️‼️ You not only want us to both come to your party, but you wanna lock us both in a confined room together for an hour⁉️⁉️ But I finally convinced Red Flamingo to tell The Scientist that I’ll be there. The Scientist said ok and agreed to come. So he obvi don’t hate me so much he won’t show. But the situation (and my mind) is fucked up‼️ Who gets into these situations⁉️ So now I have a week to stress and anticipate every scenario in the book‼️

The Scientryst: Epilogue

Okay, so something went wrong in my editing between my phone app and the desktop.  I like the last post The Scientryst: A Reflection, but I also like some of the insights I included in this post (they were supposed to be the same post).  So I’m going to post them both, please excuse any redundancy.  

So I needed one more post to reflect upon the emotions I have been feeling for the entirety of 2017 thus far.  Forgive me if it’s a little lengthy.  Then I will officially say goodbye as these thoughts are not only getting on my friends’ nerves, they’re even bugging me!

I feel somewhat guilty at the fact that I’m more hurt over The Scientist than I have been over The Ex of 12yrs!  But then again, The Ex and I had a few years to fizzle out and come to terms with the breakup.  And the situation with The Scientist was so SUDDEN and UNEXPECTED!  And he’s the first person to ever cut me off!  EVER!  It’s essentially the first time I’ve been dumped (even though we weren’t a couple).  And sure, it sucks when you get rejected in the club or online, but it’s not the same when you don’t have some feelings or a rapport with those people.  This is really hard for me to deal with.

At first I wondered if I was just seeing The Scientist to avoid my troubled home life with The Ex.  But then I realized once I no longer had him, I actually did like The Scientist.  Sure, I probably was using him to escape The Ex, but I was also seeing him because I really liked him.  I miss the way his body felt in my arms.  I miss the way his arms felt around me.  I missed our conversations and the fact that he liked documentaries.  I feel psychotic!  Literally, I can’t get him off my brain.  I’m obsessed.  Now I can understand (somewhat) how stalkers are created!  How could I give him so much power over my thoughts, though!  Sure, I made a mistake, but he doesn’t deserve my every thought.  And I prolly don’t even cross his mind. But did I deserve to be cut off so easily?  How could he do it so easily?

I even sent him flowers FullSizeRender (2)a few months after he returned from his biz trip because he was still (is still) on my mind.  I wrote him another card to go along with it and had the florist custom make a vase arrangement for me and deliver them to him.  He never even responded to that.  I prolly wrote all the wrong shit in that last letter too.  I was open and honest as I always was.  I even called him out on some stuff which maybe wasn’t the right approach, but none of the other approaches worked either, and I knew this would prolly be the last time I ever “communicate” with him.

Was it a cop out?  A lot of my friends think it was.  I mean, it had to be right?  I mean, I wasn’t worth a conversation to him?  And sure, black people are oppressed and micro-aggressed on a daily basis, so I’m sure it gets tiring to “educate” people.  But the worst part is, I didn’t need an education.  I am “woke” enough to know what’s inappropriate.  And he has every prerogative to choose the people in his life.  Especially as an adult.  I envy his ability to do it so easily.  I’m realizing I have more trouble letting go than I realized. Especially if I feel guilty (example: 12yrs in a relationship that ended toxic). Some friends think he secretly already had a boyfriend, but I was with him enough to know that prolly wasn’t true.  And now that Red Flamingo knows him, every time he tells me a story about him, it just confirms how sweet, cute, and classy The Scientist is.  While I continue to realize how trashy I was.  And I’ve always been known as a classy person to my friends.

So how did Red Flamingo meet The Scientist? Well, let me set up the story a bit. I met them both online around the same time last year. And ironically they both share the same uncommon name. In fact,  I met three people online with that same name in the matter of a month. And now a name that I pretty much never heard pops up everywhere in my life these days. So maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’d thought. And it’s usually a family name it seems. Anyway, so after The Scientist cut me off, the situation inspired me to write about it in a storytelling festival shortly thereafter. I had explained the situation to Red Flamingo as a friend but then he came and watched me perform the story which gave him a little more background. That was a Tuesday. That Friday, Red Flamingo went to the burbs on a black gay men’s retreat. We texted throughout that next week and made plans to do happy hour the following Friday. We met at one of our fave places downtown with the best deals. And as usual there were about 8 of us in the booth. And Red Flamingo and I were stuck in the middle. We were chatting and he was telling me about the friends he made at the retreat which was so exciting because he’s a little shy and socially awkward. He’d be the first to admit it, so I was super excited for him‼️ He then tells me that he was meeting them all for brunch that Sunday. Super exciting. He then proceeds to tell me about the guy who was organizing the brunch and starts describing him:

RF: He had long, beautiful, kempt dreadlocks.

Me: (playfully mournful) Oh, like my Ex Lovah!

RF: He has beautiful artistic tattoos too.

Me: (realizing the irony) Oh. Also like my Ex Lovah.

RF: And he’s a scientist.

Me: (actually mournful) Oh my fucking god. That IS my Ex Lover‼️

RF: No, it can’t be. And ironically he has the same name as me!

Me: (certain now) Omg, yes that’s him.

RF: No! (then he tells me the last name)

Me: Yes. I’m telling you that’s him.

RF: No‼️ Let me show you on Facebook.

Me: No. I’m telling you that’s definitely him. (shows me anyway) Yep. That’s him.

Then I excused myself to go upstairs and get my stuff from the office (I work in the same building where happy hour was). I had to scream at people to let them know the urgency of the situation because I certainly didn’t want to start crying in front of all my coworkers in a packed bar‼️

This sucks!  I literally turned him off. Gross!  Like something I did made us go from hot and heavy to nothing at all!  DID I SCARE HIM OFF EVERY WHITE GUY?  Did he finally decide to give a white guy a chance and I just proved him right that we’re all awful stereotypes.  Am I that white boy his mama always warned him about?  I mean, all of his friends that I know of are black.  He even went on that black gay men’s retreat shortly after our “breakup”.  This experience has inspired me for a story in a storytelling festival; it’s made me reevaluate the person that I am; it’s made me look back at our entire time together and question everything; it’s made me nervous that I’m totally misreading any signs that a guy gives me now; it inspired me to make a PUBLIC apology on Facebook where I called myself out on my white privileged bullshit.

Literally everything reminds me of him. We had so many inside “jokes”. And one of my best friends has the same name as him. How do I move on when I see his name pop up every time Red Flamingo texts me (which is everyday).

How do you rebound from the rebound?