Cold and Cordial

So last night went exactly as I was predicting. The Scientist was cordial and said hi and even gave me an awkward hug to greet me. But he didn’t really talk to me nor did he even look my way. He hates me. And I did that. 😔😔 So now I must live with the consequences. He was on his phone all the time and uninterested. I don’t know if that’s how he is in group settings or if he just didn’t wanna be around me. And then he left after the escape room (in which we died 🤣🤣). He was going to meet another friend. Prolly the person he was texting all night. I for real scared him off white boys and also “proved him right” about all of us. 

And just as expected, I’m heartbroken all over again. I will survive, but it’s gonna hurt for a while after reopening the wound. 

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The Scientryst: Epilogue

Okay, so something went wrong in my editing between my phone app and the desktop.  I like the last post The Scientryst: A Reflection, but I also like some of the insights I included in this post (they were supposed to be the same post).  So I’m going to post them both, please excuse any redundancy.  

So I needed one more post to reflect upon the emotions I have been feeling for the entirety of 2017 thus far.  Forgive me if it’s a little lengthy.  Then I will officially say goodbye as these thoughts are not only getting on my friends’ nerves, they’re even bugging me!

I feel somewhat guilty at the fact that I’m more hurt over The Scientist than I have been over The Ex of 12yrs!  But then again, The Ex and I had a few years to fizzle out and come to terms with the breakup.  And the situation with The Scientist was so SUDDEN and UNEXPECTED!  And he’s the first person to ever cut me off!  EVER!  It’s essentially the first time I’ve been dumped (even though we weren’t a couple).  And sure, it sucks when you get rejected in the club or online, but it’s not the same when you don’t have some feelings or a rapport with those people.  This is really hard for me to deal with.

At first I wondered if I was just seeing The Scientist to avoid my troubled home life with The Ex.  But then I realized once I no longer had him, I actually did like The Scientist.  Sure, I probably was using him to escape The Ex, but I was also seeing him because I really liked him.  I miss the way his body felt in my arms.  I miss the way his arms felt around me.  I missed our conversations and the fact that he liked documentaries.  I feel psychotic!  Literally, I can’t get him off my brain.  I’m obsessed.  Now I can understand (somewhat) how stalkers are created!  How could I give him so much power over my thoughts, though!  Sure, I made a mistake, but he doesn’t deserve my every thought.  And I prolly don’t even cross his mind. But did I deserve to be cut off so easily?  How could he do it so easily?

I even sent him flowers FullSizeRender (2)a few months after he returned from his biz trip because he was still (is still) on my mind.  I wrote him another card to go along with it and had the florist custom make a vase arrangement for me and deliver them to him.  He never even responded to that.  I prolly wrote all the wrong shit in that last letter too.  I was open and honest as I always was.  I even called him out on some stuff which maybe wasn’t the right approach, but none of the other approaches worked either, and I knew this would prolly be the last time I ever “communicate” with him.

Was it a cop out?  A lot of my friends think it was.  I mean, it had to be right?  I mean, I wasn’t worth a conversation to him?  And sure, black people are oppressed and micro-aggressed on a daily basis, so I’m sure it gets tiring to “educate” people.  But the worst part is, I didn’t need an education.  I am “woke” enough to know what’s inappropriate.  And he has every prerogative to choose the people in his life.  Especially as an adult.  I envy his ability to do it so easily.  I’m realizing I have more trouble letting go than I realized. Especially if I feel guilty (example: 12yrs in a relationship that ended toxic). Some friends think he secretly already had a boyfriend, but I was with him enough to know that prolly wasn’t true.  And now that Red Flamingo knows him, every time he tells me a story about him, it just confirms how sweet, cute, and classy The Scientist is.  While I continue to realize how trashy I was.  And I’ve always been known as a classy person to my friends.

So how did Red Flamingo meet The Scientist? Well, let me set up the story a bit. I met them both online around the same time last year. And ironically they both share the same uncommon name. In fact,  I met three people online with that same name in the matter of a month. And now a name that I pretty much never heard pops up everywhere in my life these days. So maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’d thought. And it’s usually a family name it seems. Anyway, so after The Scientist cut me off, the situation inspired me to write about it in a storytelling festival shortly thereafter. I had explained the situation to Red Flamingo as a friend but then he came and watched me perform the story which gave him a little more background. That was a Tuesday. That Friday, Red Flamingo went to the burbs on a black gay men’s retreat. We texted throughout that next week and made plans to do happy hour the following Friday. We met at one of our fave places downtown with the best deals. And as usual there were about 8 of us in the booth. And Red Flamingo and I were stuck in the middle. We were chatting and he was telling me about the friends he made at the retreat which was so exciting because he’s a little shy and socially awkward. He’d be the first to admit it, so I was super excited for him‼️ He then tells me that he was meeting them all for brunch that Sunday. Super exciting. He then proceeds to tell me about the guy who was organizing the brunch and starts describing him:

RF: He had long, beautiful, kempt dreadlocks.

Me: (playfully mournful) Oh, like my Ex Lovah!

RF: He has beautiful artistic tattoos too.

Me: (realizing the irony) Oh. Also like my Ex Lovah.

RF: And he’s a scientist.

Me: (actually mournful) Oh my fucking god. That IS my Ex Lover‼️

RF: No, it can’t be. And ironically he has the same name as me!

Me: (certain now) Omg, yes that’s him.

RF: No! (then he tells me the last name)

Me: Yes. I’m telling you that’s him.

RF: No‼️ Let me show you on Facebook.

Me: No. I’m telling you that’s definitely him. (shows me anyway) Yep. That’s him.

Then I excused myself to go upstairs and get my stuff from the office (I work in the same building where happy hour was). I had to scream at people to let them know the urgency of the situation because I certainly didn’t want to start crying in front of all my coworkers in a packed bar‼️

This sucks!  I literally turned him off. Gross!  Like something I did made us go from hot and heavy to nothing at all!  DID I SCARE HIM OFF EVERY WHITE GUY?  Did he finally decide to give a white guy a chance and I just proved him right that we’re all awful stereotypes.  Am I that white boy his mama always warned him about?  I mean, all of his friends that I know of are black.  He even went on that black gay men’s retreat shortly after our “breakup”.  This experience has inspired me for a story in a storytelling festival; it’s made me reevaluate the person that I am; it’s made me look back at our entire time together and question everything; it’s made me nervous that I’m totally misreading any signs that a guy gives me now; it inspired me to make a PUBLIC apology on Facebook where I called myself out on my white privileged bullshit.

Literally everything reminds me of him. We had so many inside “jokes”. And one of my best friends has the same name as him. How do I move on when I see his name pop up every time Red Flamingo texts me (which is everyday).

How do you rebound from the rebound?

The Scientryst pt 4: Explosive Results

Sorry for the delay again; it was Memorial Day/IML weekend and then my friend visited and then the Pride Parade!  I’ve just been so busy!  It’s also taken me a while because this next post hurts to write. This is a very touchy subject and I fear you may judge me. But I promised I’d be honest otherwise what’s the point. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. Now for the lengthy conclusion of The Scientryst…  

So I ended up asking The Scientist out on a few actual dates because I finally thought why the hell not?!  And on our last date, we were having a great time as usual.  However, when we got back to his place I sensed something was off but still being new to each other I couldn’t quite figure it out.  So I ignored it.  I stayed the night as usual and then he even kissed me goodbye the next morning.  Nearly a week went by before he contacted me again!  I had NO IDEA why he was ghosting me!!!  It was so unlike us to not text everyday.

Then at midnight on a Saturday, when I should’ve been out living up my single life but instead I was sitting up in bed with The Ex (because the situation was so crazy that we had to live in a studio together), The Scientist texted me.  His text essentially read:

“Honestly, I’ve enjoyed our time together, but your use of the word ‘nigga‘ is way too casual, and I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”

Disclaimer:  yes, I know it’s inappropriate to use this word as a white person.  However–and this is not an excuse but rather an explanation–after more than a decade of living with a black man and surrounding myself with people of color as my Chosen Family, it was a word that I picked up as a colloquial term.  It was more of a learned term rather than an appropriated one.  I had had conversations with my Chosen Family about the word and we had decided that they didn’t care whether I used it or not because I was part of their inner circle.  It was like a term of endearment.  Like I was accepted into a secret society.  I knew, and they knew, that I would NEVER use that word in public or around other black folks…until I did.  By accident.  Or maybe subconsciously I was testing the boundaries or trying to create a life that I once had with The Ex or a life I always desired.  Or perhaps I was subconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship before it had begun.  In any instance, I was just falling so fast and becoming VERY intimate with The Scientist so quickly that I automatically put him in that inner circle.  That in itself wasn’t fair as we were still new to each other and neither of us ready for anything serious.  But it also wasn’t fair because I didn’t discuss it with him as I had with my Chosen Family.

So I instantly texted him back to explain this, but I’m pretty sure he’d already blocked my number.  He’d blocked me on the dating app on which we met.  We were never connected on social media.  So we were over in the matter of an instant text message.  I.  Was.  Devastated.  Do you know how hard it is to hold back tears of heartbreak when you’re sitting in bed with The Ex who that recently broke your heart????  It takes every piece of energy in your bones!

I knew The Scientist was going abroad for a month-long business trip the next week. So I decided to give him the next few days to cool off and then I’d drop off a card with his door person.  I wrote a heartfelt apology and wished him safe travels, included some temporary tattoos as a peace offering and waited a month for his return. But a month came and passed with no response. Even though The Ex and I had been over for a very long time, the heartbreak was still fresh. I’d never dealt with heartbreak before and now suddenly I was dealing with a double heartbreak‼️ And I finally thought I was nearing the end of the Age of Heartbreak. It’s gut wrenching. Heartbreak is literally every emotion wrapped into one.

Okay, I lied. Next week’s post will be an epilogue to The Scientryst. And then I promised my friends I’d move on. Even I’m tired of thinking about the situation.  But you can’t help the way you feel, right?  Like is he the one that got away?  I try to think of it as I’m the one that got away!