Call me psychotic. Call me obsessed. But I had to write an emergency post bc tonite is the nite‼️ Red Flamingo’s bday party is tonite and I’m. Freaking. Out‼️‼️ My friends tell me I’m overreacting and not to worry about The Scientist bc he’s already moved on. Right‼️ That’s part of what hurts so much‼️ The feelings were one way. It tore me up so much I told all my friends and even acquaintances. I really am crazy and spill the T to anyone (my business that is). Either way Ima be hurt tonite. Bc if it goes badly, that’s gonna suck. If it goes well, then Ima be angry that he cut me off without a word for so long and then decided to be nice. Now I’m just repeating what I said last time. But no. Cordial and polite is all that it can be. Beyond that will just not be fair. I’m expecting heartbreak all over again. Especially because I poured my soul out in a letter that prolly came out even worse sounding than what I’d originally said. Fuck‼️ But Ima be strong and confident and cheerful and fabulous and me‼️ Secretly there’s part of me that would love to meet his other friends tonite and have them love me and make him jealous‼️ But I can’t be petty. And I can’t be angry. We are adults and he made an adult decision that was best for his adult life. Not mine. But maybe in collateral it was best for me too. So stop freaking out‼️‼️‼️‼️
I am about to break my promise again, but as we draw nearer to Red Flamingo’s bday party on Saturday, I’m FREAKING OUT. I know I said I wouldn’t bring up The Scientist again, but shit, how can I not think about him. Am I psychotically obsessed? No, right? I mean it makes sense that I’d be freaking out about seeing him for the first time in 7 months.
I have to be the best version of me: I have to look fabulous, be cordial, not be fake, be sweet, have fun, and look like I’m full of life. He needs to see what he’s missing.
I’ve played out a million scenarios in my mind of how it could all go. Of course I want us to run back into each other’s arms, but the fact of the matter is that’s not going to happen. I mean, c’mon, he ain’t even corresponded with me one single way for over 7 months now‼️ I’m a monster to him. And then if it does go so well that we converse and have a great time together, that won’t be fair because of the fact that he ain’t wanna mess wit me for over 7 months.
I realized this will be the first time we hang out together in a group of friends. So will I see a different side of him? Red Flamingo keeps telling me all kinds of things that make him seem way cooler than I already thought he was. There’s so much he didn’t reveal about himself. Either that, or he lied about shit. I don’t want my other friends to finally meet him and realize just how cool he is and then think that I’m a jerk. They won’t because they’re my friends. But FUCK!
This will also be the first time that we will be out together and I won’t be going home with him. That’s gonna be super hard. I feel like this weekend is going to be heartbreak all over again‼️ I’m not ready. I’ve been hoping for 7 months now that I’d see him again, but this is going to be so hard‼️ I literally took the following Monday off of work for a mental day. Fuck. I am completely mental, aren’t I?
But we’ll still have fun bc we’re there for Red Flamingo’s bday! It’s all about him. It’s not about me or The Scientist. But how do I interact? My friends tell me to keep it short and sweet with my answers and conversation. But I can’t let it be about me on my friend’s bday. Even though he’s not gonna live past 28! We gon win dat game, but Red Flamingo ain’t escaping that room…because Ima kill him! Ha!
I asked the Magic 8 Ball app if I was going to be heartbroken all over again, and of course its response was matter-of-factly “Yes, for sure.” Have any of you ever been in similar situations⁉️ Do you have any advice⁉️⁉️⁉️ I thought my Age of Heartbreak was over.