My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best.
Once again, I am late with the Sunday post (obvi!). I clearly backdated this post! Ha!
Red Flamingo and I went to a gay speed dating event the other week. I’d met the Executive Director (ED) of a non-profit organization at the Onyx Party during International Mr. Leather over Memorial Day Weekend. Of course, I was one of very few white people at this event, and of course I ended up knowing more of the black men in the room than the black guys I was with! And of course they accused me of sleeping with all of them! Ha! Only one of them, though! Ha! Anyway, ED gave me a postcard for the speed dating and I convinced Red Flamingo to go with me the next month. I wish I’d flirted a little more with ED, but it was a hectic night and we rushed out to the next party.
Red Flamingo and I were expecting something awkward. We expected to have funny horror stories to tell, but it actually turned out to be quite cute. And the free food was AWESOME: jerk chicken, plantains, beans & rice, and a chocolate fondue fountain. The organizers said they refused to just get a pizza. There was free testing happening onsite as well. It was a cute event that brought the community together. Once again, I was the only white dude. There was no potential love interest, but there were potential friends to be made.
This was only the second or third time they’d done the event, so it wasn’t very organized. There were some improvements needed, and ED asked us to email him if we had any suggestions. Some of the fellas had been to the other events. I had a great time meeting new folks, and had great conversation with two of them in particular. I feel like it’s a cute event for the gay community, especially those of color. So after the 4th of July weekend, I decided WTF, Ima send him some feedback. I also thought WTF, and told ED that he could share my info with those two guys if they’re looking for friends. I also thought WTF and told ED that one of the main reasons I went to the speed dating event was because I was hoping I’d run into him! He never responded to my email! Ha! No skin off my back, but I’m just in this place in life where I just don’t see the point in not living my life to the fullest and taking chances!
So besides the comfortable, intimate nights we’d have at his place, The Scientist and I were going on impromptu outings, and he was learning some of my darkest secrets (though, in retrospect, he didn’t quite share as many details about his life as I did). He was also asking a lot of questions about The Ex which kinda weirded me out, but I couldn’t help but bring him up in conversation considering he was a part of my entire adult life up until now.
Our next night out after the Associate Board Gala was after work when I was on my way home from running errands. I was hungry and wanted a drink with dinner, so I texted The Scientist and invited him out with me. I was super excited to see him, but his homebodiness was taking over and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go out. So I told him he had two train stops to make up his mind. But he said drinks are his weakness (more specifically gin, which I read on social media means you have psychotic tendencies), and he told me to meet him at his place so he could finish getting ready.
He answered the door in his underwear as he usually did with his long beautiful hair all swept up in a bun. He finished getting ready, and I grabbed my bag and we headed out. We ate some delicious sliders and had a couple drinks and when it came time to pay, he got out his wallet to split the bill as we’d done the time before. I told him it was on me because I’d invited him out. Then I quickly followed up by telling him that this was not a date because I wasn’t ready for a date with anyone. He understood and suggested that we get another drink on him. So we headed to the new arcade bar next door and sipped on some cocktails before heading to the back of the bar to play games.
Once in the back, he asked me if I’d ever played Killer Queen to which I responded no. It’s a group game with two teams. Ironically, 5 seconds later, these random people asked us if we wanted to play. The next thing we knew, we were playing this game with a dozen strangers and having a blast! I didn’t even know there were that many people in this bar at the time! And one girl on our team actually recognized me. It took us a minute, but then we figured out that she was an intern under The Ex. *side eye
We had a great time, even though some guy from the other team came to help us win and hated that we lost every time. We literally only won like twice out of 10 games. But none of us cared. We were only having fun. The Scientist was so much fun and so laid back. Then when it was time to leave, I told him I just had to grab my bag. He then proceeded to ask me why I even brought it with me as if to say, “aren’t you spending the night?” And of course this thrilled me. And then we went back to his place and made love and chilled as I played with his hair and he told me to “get out his kitchen.” A term I heard for the first time with him. Yes, my chosen family is mostly comprised of black folks, but that don’t mean I know everything about black culture. Hell, I don’t know everything about gay culture. Or British culture (my dad is a Brit). While lying there, I also admired his numerous tattoos. In fact, during our 3 month tenure, he got a huge new tattoo outlined on his stomach. It was a portrait that I’d jokingly make out with. He thought I was so extra! Or, as I’ve stated before, I prefer the term histrionic!
I was so excited to see the progress of this tattoo as the weeks would go on. But the Scientryst would soon come to an explosive end, and I didn’t even see it coming…
So the first time The Scientist and I went out together in public was almost a week after meeting. He charmingly asked me to take him for drinks via text while I was at my Associate Board Gala which was a ticketed event. Ironically, though, we did have a free after party up the street for which I had several drink vouchers. So I convinced him to get dressed, hop in a Lyft, and come downtown to meet me. This is a lot for him since he’s a homebody (at least in the winter which is normal in the Windy City). But it just so happened to be a beautiful spring day in November in Chicago! He met some of the people on my Associate Board, all of whom are more of acquaintances rather than friends. And the couple we ended up hanging with for the majority of the night were new to the board, so I didn’t yet know them at all. So we still never met each other’s friends. In fact, I did do a little bit of some online stalking and creeped his Facebook page. We had one mutual friend–also an acquaintance for both of us. So really no chance of our paths crossing if we decided to never see each other again.
In the Lyft ride home, after several drinks, we made out a little and this is where I confessed for the first time that my “horrible roommate situation” was really me living with The Ex, which he had pretty much deducted on his own. This, I think, was the first time I stayed the night at his place. Thankfully he lived a few blocks away from my apartment, so I could easily get up and get ready for work the next morning. Eventually he gave me a toothbrush to keep at his place since I was staying the night so frequently. That kind of freaked me out because to me that meant we could’ve been becoming serious–and I wasn’t ready for that!
As time passed, I couldn’t get him off my mind, though. While visiting friends in NYC for Thanksgiving, one of them noticed that my “face would just light up” every time my secret lover would text me. I of course tried to deny it, and then gave into peer pressure to show them a picture of the new lovah. I didn’t want to show them a picture because that would make it too real. Or it could jinx us! But they were right. I couldn’t wait to get my daily texts from The Scientist. I couldn’t wait to see him. I tried to not be too clingy and ask myself over, but I would get so excited every time he would invite me!
You’ll have to come back next week to learn more about our nights together.
I started writing about The Scientist a few months back, but as I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been too much in my feels to finish. I was going to ask for advice from you about this boy, but that time has passed. Now allow me to just reflect upon the situation in 4 parts…
I met The Scientist online back in November while I was at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the new streetscape on Argyle Street. I’d mentioned that I had just had lunch and suggestively said that I was looking for dessert, which apparently made him chuckle while he was grocery shopping. So I stopped by when he got home and we instantly connected. He was so sexy with his long, beautiful, kempt dreadlocks that felt so amazing as they’d fall all over my naked body. I would soon find out that he was classy, and stylish. And smart! I mean, he grows alternative fuels and shit from fungus or something! Like wow! He was worldly and traveled. He was sex positive yet modest which was an adorable juxtaposition. He was so sweet and cute. And those lips, though!
As the weeks went on everything was perfect. We were secret lovers. No one knew about our tryst until a few weeks had passed. Then we still didn’t connect on social media nor did we meet each other’s friends. But it wasn’t like a dirty little secret, it was a sexy little secret that only we shared. He was giving me everything I’d wanted for years! He’d run his fingers through my hair, which The Ex never did over the 12 years we were together. We’d cuddle in our underwear as we’d Netflix & Chill. He loved period shows and documentaries! How cultured and intelligent! We were instantly so intimate and connected that we didn’t even have to have sex every time I was over there. I even started staying the night 2-3 times a week! And I was totally upfront about living with The Ex and how I wasn’t looking for anything serious, though I could’ve easily fallen for him (that part I kept to myself until a few months had passed). He said he wasn’t looking for anything in particular either. We were just having fun and living in the moment. It was my first time really living in the moment in a long time.
We exchanged numbers, and we texted everyday! Though, in retrospect, I was usually the one to initiate conversation. And I always responded way too quickly every time, so I needed to play it cool and I joked that from now on I’d have to wait an hour before responding. He taught me how to use the energy saver on my iPhone. He taught me that the PH levels in our bodies are always changing which could explain my recent dandruff that I’d NEVER had before. He always said I was extra and dramatic, to which I responded that I preferred the term “histrionic”! He also called me a hoe because I was open about my sex life (though I was quickly considering giving up all my lovers, even though I knew I couldn’t commit at the moment). I know he was only joking, but I told him he needed to stop calling me a hoe, and we settled on a friendlier and yet still funny term “trollop”.
Things couldn’t have been more perfect. Though, sometimes I wondered if I was staying over at his place because I liked him and wanted to, or because I was avoiding being home with The Ex. I concluded that it was probably a little bit of both, but I definitely liked him!
Stay tuned next week to learn how the relationship (I use that term by its literal definition) progressed.
Today is The Ex’s birthday. (I told you that February was a very significant month.) And living with him is hard as hell. That’s part of the reason we broke up. But living with him and not being with him is even harder. Toxic at times. It’s also hard because I still love him. I have made it clear that we are no longer together, yet he continues to get angry when I tell him I’m going out or when I borrow a friend’s jeans because I stayed the night. I literally mean a friend. And I continue to accidentally hug him in he middle of the night because we only have one bed. And then I have to remind myself that we’re no longer together. Heartbreak all over again.
But just because you love someone, does not mean it’s healthy to be with that person. We’ve forgotten how to appreciate each other and sometimes we’re both downright spiteful. We need some time apart. Not that I’m saying we will get back together, but it’s hard to imagine my life without him after 12 years. But it’s hard to forgive the drugs. Earlier this morning a needle fell out of my jeans pocket. Well, I sure the hell knew it wasn’t mine. He looked at me and said it was one he used to slam someone else. Oh, so it wasn’t you that used it? That’s supposed to make it better? No the hell it doesn’t. It may actually make matters worse.
We’re supposed to try and go out tonight, but guess who’d be footing the bill? Well, it sure the hell isn’t The Ex who recently quit his job that took him a year to find! Bitch, I ain’t rich! I’m still in debt from the last situation you got us into! Where’s all the money you had from the job you just quit? In someone else’s arm? Why do I let myself get guilted into stupid shit all the time?
Let’s turn this into a reverse-advice column–would you celebrate The Ex’s birthday?
Given the nature of this blog, how can I not write a post on Valentine’s Day? Even though this was never a huge holiday for me and The Ex, it was still something we would at least casually acknowledge by exchanging small tokens. However, this will be the first Valentine’s I’ll spend as a bachelor in over a decade!
Will I celebrate? My independence, yes. But this day? This day, no. This day is for romance. And I’m not feeling romantic. I’m feeling heartbroken. As much as I appreciate a nice date, it just doesn’t seem appropriate during this new chapter in my life–a transitional stage I’ve deemed the Age of Heartbreak.
I never knew that heartbreak was more than sadness. But it is. It’s much more than that. It’s anger and resentment and sorrow and confusion. And worst of all it’s loneliness. A feeling with which I’m unfortunately all too familiar. I also never knew that someone other than your lover could cause you heartbreak. But anyone dear to you can break your heart.
Now this is one of those moments where it’s hard to share my story and be respectful of my loved ones while doing so. But I’ve made a promise to be honest and I’ve made attempts to keep everyone anonymous. Therefore I tell you this: The Ex and a Family Member both continue to break my heart as I watch them struggle with their respective addictions.
For over two years now The Ex has left needles and cock rings and douches around the house while trying to lie to me and tell me that he’s “holding them for a friend.” Like he’s a teenager hiding his bestie’s pornos under his mattress. No bitch, you had a sex party on the bed that we share! That’s why you had to wash the sheets. He’s also given my underwear away to his tricks. He’s given away my expensive lotions and toiletries. I’ve confronted him about sleeping with guys he’d bring over, and then he’d deny it. Bitch, I saw the video! And yet I still feel guilty when staying the night at someone else’s house. I gotta get out of this situation.
I can’t run away from my Family Member because we’re flesh and blood. And if I run away from The Ex, I feel like I’m abandoning him in his time of need. But I gotta look out for myself. The countdown to the end of April is on!
February will have a few extra posts due to the significance that this month had in my recently ended relationship. Otherwise you can expect a new blog post every Sunday with a mini post known as the afterTHOT each Wednesday.