My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best.
Dating apps are all the same. First of all, it’s the same people on every app. Second of all, they all treat you the same in every app. My coworkers convinced me to join Tinder because apparently now you can swipe left in groups with your friends. So me and these two little white girls from work decided to create a group together. So of course questions pop into mind: how does it work? Do we all three have to agree on a swipe? Nope. Figured that one out pretty quickly. Will we see individuals from the groups on the individual swipes? Not yet at least. What’s our game plan if we do get a match? Is it easier to Like other groups when they have the same amount of people? How do we tell if they’re looking for men or women? Why are so many of these groups so homogenous? Ugh. Is it bad that I don’t wanna match with an all white group? I mean, I am white. What does our group look like to others? Do we look like we lack diversity?
Once we started getting matches, it was exciting at first. But then two of us noticed that it seems like the other girl keeps getting all the attention. But she’s great at responding to the messages. It’s also interesting to see her flirtation techniques. Much different than in person when we go to happy hour.
However, there are just some thirsty dudes out there no matter what their sexuality is. And they say stupid shit. Doesn’t matter the app. Ugh, there weren’t even apps when I was last single. Shit, there weren’t even smart phones.
On Grindr once, I told this guy that he had a “nice pic” with the waves crashing and the trees in the background. I mean he was cute but not drop dead gorgeous. Then he responded saying “thanks, I can’t say the same.”
Wait, what? Are you one of those insecure types that doesn’t like his own pic, or are you saying I have a bad pic? So I asked him. Then we proceeded to argue about my eyeliner and it was clear this dude was never taught that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It was totally unnecessary and unwarranted. It’s clear he has not evolved enough. (Which is prolly what The Scientist thought about me…😔)
So then on Tinder in one of the group messages, this dude said “ChitChatJonny you’re out. Coworker Girl you’re in.”
To which I responded, “why yes, I’ve been out for years now.”
We asked a straight duo to bring a friend for me and we think we coulda made that happen, but then I guess we didn’t respond quickly enough to they next message and they deleted us. What‼️Same shit on all these apps. That’s why I deleted Grindr a few weeks ago. For real this time‼️
So last night went exactly as I was predicting. The Scientist was cordial and said hi and even gave me an awkward hug to greet me. But he didn’t really talk to me nor did he even look my way. He hates me. And I did that. 😔😔 So now I must live with the consequences. He was on his phone all the time and uninterested. I don’t know if that’s how he is in group settings or if he just didn’t wanna be around me. And then he left after the escape room (in which we died 🤣🤣). He was going to meet another friend. Prolly the person he was texting all night. I for real scared him off white boys and also “proved him right” about all of us.
And just as expected, I’m heartbroken all over again. I will survive, but it’s gonna hurt for a while after reopening the wound.
Call me psychotic. Call me obsessed. But I had to write an emergency post bc tonite is the nite‼️ Red Flamingo’s bday party is tonite and I’m. Freaking. Out‼️‼️ My friends tell me I’m overreacting and not to worry about The Scientist bc he’s already moved on. Right‼️ That’s part of what hurts so much‼️ The feelings were one way. It tore me up so much I told all my friends and even acquaintances. I really am crazy and spill the T to anyone (my business that is). Either way Ima be hurt tonite. Bc if it goes badly, that’s gonna suck. If it goes well, then Ima be angry that he cut me off without a word for so long and then decided to be nice. Now I’m just repeating what I said last time. But no. Cordial and polite is all that it can be. Beyond that will just not be fair. I’m expecting heartbreak all over again. Especially because I poured my soul out in a letter that prolly came out even worse sounding than what I’d originally said. Fuck‼️ But Ima be strong and confident and cheerful and fabulous and me‼️ Secretly there’s part of me that would love to meet his other friends tonite and have them love me and make him jealous‼️ But I can’t be petty. And I can’t be angry. We are adults and he made an adult decision that was best for his adult life. Not mine. But maybe in collateral it was best for me too. So stop freaking out‼️‼️‼️‼️
Once again, I am late with the Sunday post (obvi!). I clearly backdated this post! Ha!
Red Flamingo and I went to a gay speed dating event the other week. I’d met the Executive Director (ED) of a non-profit organization at the Onyx Party during International Mr. Leather over Memorial Day Weekend. Of course, I was one of very few white people at this event, and of course I ended up knowing more of the black men in the room than the black guys I was with! And of course they accused me of sleeping with all of them! Ha! Only one of them, though! Ha! Anyway, ED gave me a postcard for the speed dating and I convinced Red Flamingo to go with me the next month. I wish I’d flirted a little more with ED, but it was a hectic night and we rushed out to the next party.
Red Flamingo and I were expecting something awkward. We expected to have funny horror stories to tell, but it actually turned out to be quite cute. And the free food was AWESOME: jerk chicken, plantains, beans & rice, and a chocolate fondue fountain. The organizers said they refused to just get a pizza. There was free testing happening onsite as well. It was a cute event that brought the community together. Once again, I was the only white dude. There was no potential love interest, but there were potential friends to be made.
This was only the second or third time they’d done the event, so it wasn’t very organized. There were some improvements needed, and ED asked us to email him if we had any suggestions. Some of the fellas had been to the other events. I had a great time meeting new folks, and had great conversation with two of them in particular. I feel like it’s a cute event for the gay community, especially those of color. So after the 4th of July weekend, I decided WTF, Ima send him some feedback. I also thought WTF, and told ED that he could share my info with those two guys if they’re looking for friends. I also thought WTF and told ED that one of the main reasons I went to the speed dating event was because I was hoping I’d run into him! He never responded to my email! Ha! No skin off my back, but I’m just in this place in life where I just don’t see the point in not living my life to the fullest and taking chances!
So after grabbing drinks with Work Wifey on a random weeknight, we started walking back toward the train. As we turned the corner on Lake and Michigan downtown in the Chicago Loop, I locked eyes with this sexy young, black man who was walking in my direction with his brother. We’ll call him Boi From The Loop. I eye-flirted, of course, and then kept on toward the train with Work Wifey. However, as we turned the corner he comes running around the building and yells at me:
“Where are you going?”
Of course I turned around and started to physically flirt at this point. I told him I had to get my Work Wifey to the train, because I don’t let her walk by herself after we’ve been drinking. So Boi From The Loop and I decided to exchange numbers. After NYE, we were texting and he said he drank so much he was drunk crying. And I totally get what drunk crying is, but in the moment I was trying to make a joke which totally came out wrong and I said something along the lines of
“I totally understand crying. I recently broke up with The Ex of 12yrs!”
What was I thinking! And it’s even worse because you can edit texts before you send them! Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him! Hahaha! I have such a learning curve when it comes to dating!!!
So besides the comfortable, intimate nights we’d have at his place, The Scientist and I were going on impromptu outings, and he was learning some of my darkest secrets (though, in retrospect, he didn’t quite share as many details about his life as I did). He was also asking a lot of questions about The Ex which kinda weirded me out, but I couldn’t help but bring him up in conversation considering he was a part of my entire adult life up until now.
Our next night out after the Associate Board Gala was after work when I was on my way home from running errands. I was hungry and wanted a drink with dinner, so I texted The Scientist and invited him out with me. I was super excited to see him, but his homebodiness was taking over and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go out. So I told him he had two train stops to make up his mind. But he said drinks are his weakness (more specifically gin, which I read on social media means you have psychotic tendencies), and he told me to meet him at his place so he could finish getting ready.
He answered the door in his underwear as he usually did with his long beautiful hair all swept up in a bun. He finished getting ready, and I grabbed my bag and we headed out. We ate some delicious sliders and had a couple drinks and when it came time to pay, he got out his wallet to split the bill as we’d done the time before. I told him it was on me because I’d invited him out. Then I quickly followed up by telling him that this was not a date because I wasn’t ready for a date with anyone. He understood and suggested that we get another drink on him. So we headed to the new arcade bar next door and sipped on some cocktails before heading to the back of the bar to play games.
Once in the back, he asked me if I’d ever played Killer Queen to which I responded no. It’s a group game with two teams. Ironically, 5 seconds later, these random people asked us if we wanted to play. The next thing we knew, we were playing this game with a dozen strangers and having a blast! I didn’t even know there were that many people in this bar at the time! And one girl on our team actually recognized me. It took us a minute, but then we figured out that she was an intern under The Ex. *side eye
We had a great time, even though some guy from the other team came to help us win and hated that we lost every time. We literally only won like twice out of 10 games. But none of us cared. We were only having fun. The Scientist was so much fun and so laid back. Then when it was time to leave, I told him I just had to grab my bag. He then proceeded to ask me why I even brought it with me as if to say, “aren’t you spending the night?” And of course this thrilled me. And then we went back to his place and made love and chilled as I played with his hair and he told me to “get out his kitchen.” A term I heard for the first time with him. Yes, my chosen family is mostly comprised of black folks, but that don’t mean I know everything about black culture. Hell, I don’t know everything about gay culture. Or British culture (my dad is a Brit). While lying there, I also admired his numerous tattoos. In fact, during our 3 month tenure, he got a huge new tattoo outlined on his stomach. It was a portrait that I’d jokingly make out with. He thought I was so extra! Or, as I’ve stated before, I prefer the term histrionic!
I was so excited to see the progress of this tattoo as the weeks would go on. But the Scientryst would soon come to an explosive end, and I didn’t even see it coming…