Well I survived 2017, but it wasn’t easy. Amazing things happened throughout the year as I claimed my independence and freedom as a single person. I tried to document my journey along the way, but it was a lot harder to document while still processing the emotions than I realized. Yes, writing helps me process but it also forces me to think about the situation which I wasn’t always ready to do. My last post was in August, and a few weeks later would’ve been mine and The Ex’s official 12th anniversary. Ironically our anniversary of becoming exclusive was 9/11. That should’ve been a sign.
It was also difficult to write about the loved ones who hurt me while also respecting their privacy. But then again, why should I hold back from sharing factors of my own truths; they haven’t considered my feelings.
I made mistakes. I battled a double heartbreak. I was faced with discovering who I really am. Do I enjoy and respect that person? I tried to be honest and open with my chosen family and my lovahs. I gained new friends. I met new lovahs and lost other lovahs. I embarrassed myself. I was proud of myself. I earned a grant and produced a show. I worked hard and played harder. I created a demo for an EP all about my road to independence and performed those songs and some stories for my annual birthday show. It was one of the most healing processes I’ve ever gone through. That really does just prove the power of art. And now I understand the strength and popularity of heartbreak albums in so much more depth.
My experiences inspired my current Birthday Resolution which I realized I haven’t announced yet. During my 34th year I am going on a monthly date with myself. Taking myself on dates is something I’ve been doing for years, even while dating The Ex. But this year I wanted to make a conscious effort to do so regularly, so stay tuned to hear all about them!
My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best.
So recently I randomly ran into The Ex out in public for the first time…it was also the first time he met any of my new friends.
Red Flamingo and I were dining at the fine establishment of Micky D’s, and I had my back to the entrance (a very non-mafia thing to do). Suddenly out of nowhere I notice this hand reach down from behind me and snatch some of my fries. Now if you knew me, you’d know that French fries are my second favorite food next to chocolate. I could live off of those two things if I had to!
I look up, and to my amazement it was The Ex. We’re not in either of the neighborhoods in which we both live, so I didn’t really expect to see him. Although we both lived in that neighborhood together for years. So it was a bit nostalgic. I introduced him and his loser friend to Red Flamingo, who didn’t hear the name and wasn’t quite sure who The Ex was at first. Then when they went to order their food, Red Flamingo asked me if that’s who he thought it was. I let him know that it was.
Red Flamingo was like “I had to read your cues because I wasn’t sure if I should’ve scooted over to let them sit with us.” And I was like “Ida been mad!” Red Flamingo then joked that that would’ve been the second time he trapped me with an ex! Ha!
Then The Ex and his friend sat across the restaurant. It’s the FIRST time The Ex and I have been in the same venue and eaten at separate tables. It was a bit weird. All for the best, but it still hurt. He still breaks my heart when I think about the situation.
So last night went exactly as I was predicting. The Scientist was cordial and said hi and even gave me an awkward hug to greet me. But he didn’t really talk to me nor did he even look my way. He hates me. And I did that. 😔😔 So now I must live with the consequences. He was on his phone all the time and uninterested. I don’t know if that’s how he is in group settings or if he just didn’t wanna be around me. And then he left after the escape room (in which we died 🤣🤣). He was going to meet another friend. Prolly the person he was texting all night. I for real scared him off white boys and also “proved him right” about all of us.
And just as expected, I’m heartbroken all over again. I will survive, but it’s gonna hurt for a while after reopening the wound.
Call me psychotic. Call me obsessed. But I had to write an emergency post bc tonite is the nite‼️ Red Flamingo’s bday party is tonite and I’m. Freaking. Out‼️‼️ My friends tell me I’m overreacting and not to worry about The Scientist bc he’s already moved on. Right‼️ That’s part of what hurts so much‼️ The feelings were one way. It tore me up so much I told all my friends and even acquaintances. I really am crazy and spill the T to anyone (my business that is). Either way Ima be hurt tonite. Bc if it goes badly, that’s gonna suck. If it goes well, then Ima be angry that he cut me off without a word for so long and then decided to be nice. Now I’m just repeating what I said last time. But no. Cordial and polite is all that it can be. Beyond that will just not be fair. I’m expecting heartbreak all over again. Especially because I poured my soul out in a letter that prolly came out even worse sounding than what I’d originally said. Fuck‼️ But Ima be strong and confident and cheerful and fabulous and me‼️ Secretly there’s part of me that would love to meet his other friends tonite and have them love me and make him jealous‼️ But I can’t be petty. And I can’t be angry. We are adults and he made an adult decision that was best for his adult life. Not mine. But maybe in collateral it was best for me too. So stop freaking out‼️‼️‼️‼️
I’ve had time to reflect and of course a million things pop into my head: Rejection sucks! This is my first time being dumped even though we weren’t in a relationship! It was the first and only time anyone has ever cut me off! Anyone! He was so classy and he never said that word, so what was I thinking?! That means I’m just trashy, and I’ve always been classy! Gross, I literally turned him off! That ain’t cute! Did I turn him off of all white people? Like, I know most of his friends are black, so was I the one white boy he decided to give a chance to? But I just ended up proving him right that all white people suck! And now I’m a stereotype! Gross!
But was it fair for him to lead me on? To kiss me goodnight like nothing’s wrong? Was it fair to cut me off after such intimacy? I mean I borrowed his underwear, lost his cock piercing inside my ass, received a hicky from him during passionate love-making, and I had a toothbrush at his place WHICH HE GAVE ME! Guilt is my Achilles heel.
How could I give one individual so much power over my emotions? We were only seeing each other for three months and we weren’t even officially dating. And it’s now been seven months since he cut me off! What’s wrong with me? I feel like a crazy psycho. Especially because 2 almost 3 months after I dropped off the first card with his door person, I wrote him a longer one and sent him flowers! Like it was a custom arrangement! And he didn’t send me ANY RESPONSE! All my words probably came out all wrong, and I even re-wrote the letter a bajillion times!
I get that he has every right to choose the people in his life. That’s his prerogative. But I felt like he knew me enough to know that I’m not racist (no more than any other woke white person that is because we’re all a little racist). Did he think that was a red flag and that it probably meant that I would do other stupid white people shit? Am I the white guy his mama always warned him about? And with this current political landscape, it must’ve come across even worse!
I want to hate him but I can’t. I want to be mad but I can’t. Even though I feel as if it’s unfair of him to cut me off without a conversation. But no one owes you anything in this world. I feel like his excuse was a cop out. Then I started to feel guilty like I’d let down all of my black brothers and sisters. Every time I’d meet a new black person, I felt like I was going to let them down too. It’s messed up how much this messed me up! I even made a public apology on Facebook knowing that he’d never see it because we aren’t friends! Let the world know that I was a racist POS! And the worst part of it all was that I knew better. I can’t claim ignorance like some bigot from my hometown in the south. It really made me reevaluate who I am. And that seemed to only be the beginning of me opening my mouth too much! Oh to be independent, single, and free for the first time in your adult life at age 33 is not easy!
Today is The Ex’s birthday. (I told you that February was a very significant month.) And living with him is hard as hell. That’s part of the reason we broke up. But living with him and not being with him is even harder. Toxic at times. It’s also hard because I still love him. I have made it clear that we are no longer together, yet he continues to get angry when I tell him I’m going out or when I borrow a friend’s jeans because I stayed the night. I literally mean a friend. And I continue to accidentally hug him in he middle of the night because we only have one bed. And then I have to remind myself that we’re no longer together. Heartbreak all over again.
But just because you love someone, does not mean it’s healthy to be with that person. We’ve forgotten how to appreciate each other and sometimes we’re both downright spiteful. We need some time apart. Not that I’m saying we will get back together, but it’s hard to imagine my life without him after 12 years. But it’s hard to forgive the drugs. Earlier this morning a needle fell out of my jeans pocket. Well, I sure the hell knew it wasn’t mine. He looked at me and said it was one he used to slam someone else. Oh, so it wasn’t you that used it? That’s supposed to make it better? No the hell it doesn’t. It may actually make matters worse.
We’re supposed to try and go out tonight, but guess who’d be footing the bill? Well, it sure the hell isn’t The Ex who recently quit his job that took him a year to find! Bitch, I ain’t rich! I’m still in debt from the last situation you got us into! Where’s all the money you had from the job you just quit? In someone else’s arm? Why do I let myself get guilted into stupid shit all the time?
Let’s turn this into a reverse-advice column–would you celebrate The Ex’s birthday?