My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best.
I had to go over to The Ex’s to tie up some loose ends the other day. While there, I had a cocktail and caught up with him and his friend. Then he walked me to the bus stop so that he could vent a little about this friend. Apparently this friend was betraying his trust and sneaking to read his text messages. I was totally confused as to why this friend would be all up in his bitnass like that.
Me: There’s no reason for him to be in your personal stuff like that. (as we continued down the block, I stopped, stepped back, and threw my hands up). Unless he’s your new boyfriend.
The Ex: Well he’s not over at my place helping me clean for no reason. But we’re not there yet.
Okay, now he’s being honest and open. Okay, this is a good thing, as I don’t want to lose him entirely. We spent our entire adult lives together thus far.
Me: Oh ok. Well, he still don’t needa be prying like that. We were together almost 12yrs and I still never invaded your privacy. Well, not until the very end because you was lyin’. We not gonna get into that right now, but you know you was lyin’.
Then we both laughed. He didn’t deny that he was runnin’ around behind my back actin’ brand new. He opened up to me. He admitted his betrayal.
So then on Monday I performed one of my stories from my personal repertoire at a weekly event. I was booked last minute so I didn’t really invite anyone to come. Then The Ex called me on the day of the show. When he found out I was performing, he promised to come. Well, I gave up on his promises long ago, yet he actually did show up. I was the first to go on, and he literally left right after my performance. So he was there just to support me. That’s sweet. He also convinced TENB (The Ex’s New Boo) to come watch as well, but he was late arriving so he missed my performance and missed The Ex. So The Ex text me after he’d left to ask me to keep an eye out for him since his phone died and he wasn’t able to let him know that he’d left. What the fuck! How did I end up chatting over a drink at the bar with TENB?! ONLY IN MY LIFE! But I’m glad The Ex and I can move forward peacefully and with love.
So recently I randomly ran into The Ex out in public for the first time…it was also the first time he met any of my new friends.
Red Flamingo and I were dining at the fine establishment of Micky D’s, and I had my back to the entrance (a very non-mafia thing to do). Suddenly out of nowhere I notice this hand reach down from behind me and snatch some of my fries. Now if you knew me, you’d know that French fries are my second favorite food next to chocolate. I could live off of those two things if I had to!
I look up, and to my amazement it was The Ex. We’re not in either of the neighborhoods in which we both live, so I didn’t really expect to see him. Although we both lived in that neighborhood together for years. So it was a bit nostalgic. I introduced him and his loser friend to Red Flamingo, who didn’t hear the name and wasn’t quite sure who The Ex was at first. Then when they went to order their food, Red Flamingo asked me if that’s who he thought it was. I let him know that it was.
Red Flamingo was like “I had to read your cues because I wasn’t sure if I should’ve scooted over to let them sit with us.” And I was like “Ida been mad!” Red Flamingo then joked that that would’ve been the second time he trapped me with an ex! Ha!
Then The Ex and his friend sat across the restaurant. It’s the FIRST time The Ex and I have been in the same venue and eaten at separate tables. It was a bit weird. All for the best, but it still hurt. He still breaks my heart when I think about the situation.
Once again, I am late with the Sunday post (obvi!). I clearly backdated this post! Ha!
Red Flamingo and I went to a gay speed dating event the other week. I’d met the Executive Director (ED) of a non-profit organization at the Onyx Party during International Mr. Leather over Memorial Day Weekend. Of course, I was one of very few white people at this event, and of course I ended up knowing more of the black men in the room than the black guys I was with! And of course they accused me of sleeping with all of them! Ha! Only one of them, though! Ha! Anyway, ED gave me a postcard for the speed dating and I convinced Red Flamingo to go with me the next month. I wish I’d flirted a little more with ED, but it was a hectic night and we rushed out to the next party.
Red Flamingo and I were expecting something awkward. We expected to have funny horror stories to tell, but it actually turned out to be quite cute. And the free food was AWESOME: jerk chicken, plantains, beans & rice, and a chocolate fondue fountain. The organizers said they refused to just get a pizza. There was free testing happening onsite as well. It was a cute event that brought the community together. Once again, I was the only white dude. There was no potential love interest, but there were potential friends to be made.
This was only the second or third time they’d done the event, so it wasn’t very organized. There were some improvements needed, and ED asked us to email him if we had any suggestions. Some of the fellas had been to the other events. I had a great time meeting new folks, and had great conversation with two of them in particular. I feel like it’s a cute event for the gay community, especially those of color. So after the 4th of July weekend, I decided WTF, Ima send him some feedback. I also thought WTF, and told ED that he could share my info with those two guys if they’re looking for friends. I also thought WTF and told ED that one of the main reasons I went to the speed dating event was because I was hoping I’d run into him! He never responded to my email! Ha! No skin off my back, but I’m just in this place in life where I just don’t see the point in not living my life to the fullest and taking chances!
Okay, so something went wrong in my editing between my phone app and the desktop. I like the last post The Scientryst: A Reflection, but I also like some of the insights I included in this post (they were supposed to be the same post). So I’m going to post them both, please excuse any redundancy.
So I needed one more post to reflect upon the emotions I have been feeling for the entirety of 2017 thus far. Forgive me if it’s a little lengthy. Then I will officially say goodbye as these thoughts are not only getting on my friends’ nerves, they’re even bugging me!
I feel somewhat guilty at the fact that I’m more hurt over The Scientist than I have been over The Ex of 12yrs! But then again, The Ex and I had a few years to fizzle out and come to terms with the breakup. And the situation with The Scientist was so SUDDEN and UNEXPECTED! And he’s the first person to ever cut me off! EVER! It’s essentially the first time I’ve been dumped (even though we weren’t a couple). And sure, it sucks when you get rejected in the club or online, but it’s not the same when you don’t have some feelings or a rapport with those people. This is really hard for me to deal with.
At first I wondered if I was just seeing The Scientist to avoid my troubled home life with The Ex. But then I realized once I no longer had him, I actually did like The Scientist. Sure, I probably was using him to escape The Ex, but I was also seeing him because I really liked him. I miss the way his body felt in my arms. I miss the way his arms felt around me. I missed our conversations and the fact that he liked documentaries. I feel psychotic! Literally, I can’t get him off my brain. I’m obsessed. Now I can understand (somewhat) how stalkers are created! How could I give him so much power over my thoughts, though! Sure, I made a mistake, but he doesn’t deserve my every thought. And I prolly don’t even cross his mind. But did I deserve to be cut off so easily? How could he do it so easily?
I even sent him flowers a few months after he returned from his biz trip because he was still (is still) on my mind. I wrote him another card to go along with it and had the florist custom make a vase arrangement for me and deliver them to him. He never even responded to that. I prolly wrote all the wrong shit in that last letter too. I was open and honest as I always was. I even called him out on some stuff which maybe wasn’t the right approach, but none of the other approaches worked either, and I knew this would prolly be the last time I ever “communicate” with him.
Was it a cop out? A lot of my friends think it was. I mean, it had to be right? I mean, I wasn’t worth a conversation to him? And sure, black people are oppressed and micro-aggressed on a daily basis, so I’m sure it gets tiring to “educate” people. But the worst part is, I didn’t need an education. I am “woke” enough to know what’s inappropriate. And he has every prerogative to choose the people in his life. Especially as an adult. I envy his ability to do it so easily. I’m realizing I have more trouble letting go than I realized. Especially if I feel guilty (example: 12yrs in a relationship that ended toxic). Some friends think he secretly already had a boyfriend, but I was with him enough to know that prolly wasn’t true. And now that Red Flamingo knows him, every time he tells me a story about him, it just confirms how sweet, cute, and classy The Scientist is. While I continue to realize how trashy I was. And I’ve always been known as a classy person to my friends.
So how did Red Flamingo meet The Scientist? Well, let me set up the story a bit. I met them both online around the same time last year. And ironically they both share the same uncommon name. In fact, I met three people online with that same name in the matter of a month. And now a name that I pretty much never heard pops up everywhere in my life these days. So maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’d thought. And it’s usually a family name it seems. Anyway, so after The Scientist cut me off, the situation inspired me to write about it in a storytelling festival shortly thereafter. I had explained the situation to Red Flamingo as a friend but then he came and watched me perform the story which gave him a little more background. That was a Tuesday. That Friday, Red Flamingo went to the burbs on a black gay men’s retreat. We texted throughout that next week and made plans to do happy hour the following Friday. We met at one of our fave places downtown with the best deals. And as usual there were about 8 of us in the booth. And Red Flamingo and I were stuck in the middle. We were chatting and he was telling me about the friends he made at the retreat which was so exciting because he’s a little shy and socially awkward. He’d be the first to admit it, so I was super excited for him‼️ He then tells me that he was meeting them all for brunch that Sunday. Super exciting. He then proceeds to tell me about the guy who was organizing the brunch and starts describing him:
RF: He had long, beautiful, kempt dreadlocks.
Me: (playfully mournful) Oh, like my Ex Lovah!
RF: He has beautiful artistic tattoos too.
Me: (realizing the irony) Oh. Also like my Ex Lovah.
RF: And he’s a scientist.
Me: (actually mournful) Oh my fucking god. That IS my Ex Lover‼️
RF: No, it can’t be. And ironically he has the same name as me!
Me: (certain now) Omg, yes that’s him.
RF: No! (then he tells me the last name)
Me: Yes. I’m telling you that’s him.
RF: No‼️ Let me show you on Facebook.
Me: No. I’m telling you that’s definitely him. (shows me anyway) Yep. That’s him.
Then I excused myself to go upstairs and get my stuff from the office (I work in the same building where happy hour was). I had to scream at people to let them know the urgency of the situation because I certainly didn’t want to start crying in front of all my coworkers in a packed bar‼️
This sucks! I literally turned him off. Gross! Like something I did made us go from hot and heavy to nothing at all! DID I SCARE HIM OFF EVERY WHITE GUY? Did he finally decide to give a white guy a chance and I just proved him right that we’re all awful stereotypes. Am I that white boy his mama always warned him about? I mean, all of his friends that I know of are black. He even went on that black gay men’s retreat shortly after our “breakup”. This experience has inspired me for a story in a storytelling festival; it’s made me reevaluate the person that I am; it’s made me look back at our entire time together and question everything; it’s made me nervous that I’m totally misreading any signs that a guy gives me now; it inspired me to make a PUBLIC apology on Facebook where I called myself out on my white privileged bullshit.
Literally everything reminds me of him. We had so many inside “jokes”. And one of my best friends has the same name as him. How do I move on when I see his name pop up every time Red Flamingo texts me (which is everyday).
How do you rebound from the rebound?
Here I go again with the brutal honesty. One minute I feel like I’m on top of the world and the next I’m feeling like an epic failure when it comes to dating…
A couple Fridays ago I met my friend, the Red Flamingo, out for drinks with his coworkers. At the first bar, we met this girl who was traveling from California on her own. His coworkers called it an early night and we took this Traveler to Boystown with us. While dancing at one of my favorite bars, this sexy black man started dancing with me! I’ll refer to him as Tiny Dancer. Then the Red Flamingo pushed me into him. Although, we were already dancing, so it was kind of pointless, but he was trying to be a good wingman. Tiny Dancer and I exchanged numbers and started texting all week. We made plans to go out the next Sunday. He even said that he thought I was 22y/o! I’m sure that was a lie, but I’ll take it!
I flew to Jacksonville, FL, the hole of the earth, for work that week. So from Thursday to Saturday I was doing nothing but drinking free dranks at work receptions. Tiny Dancer picked me up that Sunday and we went to Pride Fest. We were both running into people we knew all over the place. And that was awkward at times considering half the people we ran into were my lovahs! But one of his friends was a bartender and we got three free $14 sangrias each! So the day was going well!
We ended up at one of the bars on the strip. When one of my jams came on, I left him at the front bar to go dance in the back. As I started getting my groove on, I had to let out a little fart. That’s when I realized I’d been drinking ALL weekend and hadn’t eaten any food that day. It totally ended up NOT being a fart. I totally sharted myself! And I mean it was pure liquid. The back of my LIGHT BLUE shorts were completely covered in shit! I was mortified! So I ran to the bathroom and THANK GOODNESS a stall was open. So I locked myself in and tried to clean myself up but there was no hope! I sat in the stall for like 10min trying to figure out what the hell to do. Then I decided to text Tiny Dancer and let him know that I sat in something really gross and had to leave.
He was sweet and found me in the stall and knocked on the door and asked to see how bad it was. I said “NO! It’s horrible, I have to go,” and I ran out of the club with my T-shirt stretched down to my knees. Of course being Pride Fest, there were TONS of people on the street, so I cut down the side street toward the residential area and ordered an Uber. Two Ubers cancelled on me in a row as I was just standing in the middle of the street covered in my own feces. Then finally an Uber picked me up and I politely sat on my hip so as not to dirty up the seat. I immediately rolled down the window as we started to drive off, and then the driver rolled down ALL THE WINDOWS!
Thankfully the Red Flamingo came to my rescue. He told me to go home and wash my ass and he’d be right over with some green! I was devastated and mortified, and Tiny Dancer and I have barely texted since!!! Do you think he figured out what happened? Do you think anyone in the dark club or on the street knew?! Being independent, single and free is not quite as easy as I’d hoped!
So after grabbing drinks with Work Wifey on a random weeknight, we started walking back toward the train. As we turned the corner on Lake and Michigan downtown in the Chicago Loop, I locked eyes with this sexy young, black man who was walking in my direction with his brother. We’ll call him Boi From The Loop. I eye-flirted, of course, and then kept on toward the train with Work Wifey. However, as we turned the corner he comes running around the building and yells at me:
“Where are you going?”
Of course I turned around and started to physically flirt at this point. I told him I had to get my Work Wifey to the train, because I don’t let her walk by herself after we’ve been drinking. So Boi From The Loop and I decided to exchange numbers. After NYE, we were texting and he said he drank so much he was drunk crying. And I totally get what drunk crying is, but in the moment I was trying to make a joke which totally came out wrong and I said something along the lines of
“I totally understand crying. I recently broke up with The Ex of 12yrs!”
What was I thinking! And it’s even worse because you can edit texts before you send them! Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him! Hahaha! I have such a learning curve when it comes to dating!!!