The Scientryst: A Reflection

I’ve img_7111had time to reflect and of course a million things pop into my head:  Rejection sucks!  This is my first time being dumped even though we weren’t in a relationship!  It was the first and only time anyone has ever cut me off!  Anyone!  He was so classy and he never said that word, so what was I thinking?!  That means I’m just trashy, and I’ve always been classy!  Gross, I literally turned him off!  That ain’t cute!  Did I turn him off of all white people?  Like, I know most of his friends are black, so was I the one white boy he decided to give a chance to?  But I just ended up proving him right that all white people suck!  And now I’m a stereotype!  Gross!  

But was it fair for him to lead me on? To kiss me goodnight like nothing’s wrong?  Was it fair to cut me off after such intimacy? I mean I borrowed his underwear, lost his cock piercing inside my ass, received a hicky from him during passionate love-making, and I had a toothbrush at his place WHICH HE GAVE ME!  Guilt is my Achilles heel. 

How could I give one individual so much power over my emotions?  We were only seeing each other for three months and we weren’t even officially dating.  And it’s now been seven months since he cut me off!  What’s wrong with me?  I feel like a crazy psycho.  Especially because 2 almost 3 months after I dropped off the first card with his door person, I wrote him a longer one and sent him flowers!  Like it was a custom arrangement!  And he didn’t send me ANY RESPONSE!  All my words probably came out all wrong, and I even re-wrote the letter a bajillion times!  

I get that he has every right to choose the people in his life.  That’s his prerogative.  But I felt like he knew me enough to know that I’m not racist (no more than any other woke white person that is because we’re all a little racist).  Did he think that was a red flag and that it probably meant that I would do other stupid white people shit?  Am I the white guy his mama always warned him about?  And with this current political landscape, it must’ve come across even worse!  

I want to hate him but I can’t.  I want to be mad but I can’t.  Even though I feel as if it’s unfair of him to cut me off without a conversation.  But no one owes you anything in this world.  I feel like his excuse was a cop out.  Then I started to feel guilty like I’d let down all of my black brothers and sisters.  Every time I’d meet a new black person, I felt like I was going to let them down too.  It’s messed up how much this messed me up!  I even made a public apology on Facebook knowing that he’d never see it because we aren’t friends!  Let the world know that I was a racist POS!  And the worst part of it all was that I knew better.  I can’t claim ignorance like some bigot from my hometown in the south.  It really made me reevaluate who I am.  And that seemed to only be the beginning of me opening my mouth too much!  Oh to be independent, single, and free for the first time in your adult life at age 33 is not easy!

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The Scientryst: Epilogue

Okay, so something went wrong in my editing between my phone app and the desktop.  I like the last post The Scientryst: A Reflection, but I also like some of the insights I included in this post (they were supposed to be the same post).  So I’m going to post them both, please excuse any redundancy.  

So I needed one more post to reflect upon the emotions I have been feeling for the entirety of 2017 thus far.  Forgive me if it’s a little lengthy.  Then I will officially say goodbye as these thoughts are not only getting on my friends’ nerves, they’re even bugging me!

I feel somewhat guilty at the fact that I’m more hurt over The Scientist than I have been over The Ex of 12yrs!  But then again, The Ex and I had a few years to fizzle out and come to terms with the breakup.  And the situation with The Scientist was so SUDDEN and UNEXPECTED!  And he’s the first person to ever cut me off!  EVER!  It’s essentially the first time I’ve been dumped (even though we weren’t a couple).  And sure, it sucks when you get rejected in the club or online, but it’s not the same when you don’t have some feelings or a rapport with those people.  This is really hard for me to deal with.

At first I wondered if I was just seeing The Scientist to avoid my troubled home life with The Ex.  But then I realized once I no longer had him, I actually did like The Scientist.  Sure, I probably was using him to escape The Ex, but I was also seeing him because I really liked him.  I miss the way his body felt in my arms.  I miss the way his arms felt around me.  I missed our conversations and the fact that he liked documentaries.  I feel psychotic!  Literally, I can’t get him off my brain.  I’m obsessed.  Now I can understand (somewhat) how stalkers are created!  How could I give him so much power over my thoughts, though!  Sure, I made a mistake, but he doesn’t deserve my every thought.  And I prolly don’t even cross his mind. But did I deserve to be cut off so easily?  How could he do it so easily?

I even sent him flowers FullSizeRender (2)a few months after he returned from his biz trip because he was still (is still) on my mind.  I wrote him another card to go along with it and had the florist custom make a vase arrangement for me and deliver them to him.  He never even responded to that.  I prolly wrote all the wrong shit in that last letter too.  I was open and honest as I always was.  I even called him out on some stuff which maybe wasn’t the right approach, but none of the other approaches worked either, and I knew this would prolly be the last time I ever “communicate” with him.

Was it a cop out?  A lot of my friends think it was.  I mean, it had to be right?  I mean, I wasn’t worth a conversation to him?  And sure, black people are oppressed and micro-aggressed on a daily basis, so I’m sure it gets tiring to “educate” people.  But the worst part is, I didn’t need an education.  I am “woke” enough to know what’s inappropriate.  And he has every prerogative to choose the people in his life.  Especially as an adult.  I envy his ability to do it so easily.  I’m realizing I have more trouble letting go than I realized. Especially if I feel guilty (example: 12yrs in a relationship that ended toxic). Some friends think he secretly already had a boyfriend, but I was with him enough to know that prolly wasn’t true.  And now that Red Flamingo knows him, every time he tells me a story about him, it just confirms how sweet, cute, and classy The Scientist is.  While I continue to realize how trashy I was.  And I’ve always been known as a classy person to my friends.

So how did Red Flamingo meet The Scientist? Well, let me set up the story a bit. I met them both online around the same time last year. And ironically they both share the same uncommon name. In fact,  I met three people online with that same name in the matter of a month. And now a name that I pretty much never heard pops up everywhere in my life these days. So maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’d thought. And it’s usually a family name it seems. Anyway, so after The Scientist cut me off, the situation inspired me to write about it in a storytelling festival shortly thereafter. I had explained the situation to Red Flamingo as a friend but then he came and watched me perform the story which gave him a little more background. That was a Tuesday. That Friday, Red Flamingo went to the burbs on a black gay men’s retreat. We texted throughout that next week and made plans to do happy hour the following Friday. We met at one of our fave places downtown with the best deals. And as usual there were about 8 of us in the booth. And Red Flamingo and I were stuck in the middle. We were chatting and he was telling me about the friends he made at the retreat which was so exciting because he’s a little shy and socially awkward. He’d be the first to admit it, so I was super excited for him‼️ He then tells me that he was meeting them all for brunch that Sunday. Super exciting. He then proceeds to tell me about the guy who was organizing the brunch and starts describing him:

RF: He had long, beautiful, kempt dreadlocks.

Me: (playfully mournful) Oh, like my Ex Lovah!

RF: He has beautiful artistic tattoos too.

Me: (realizing the irony) Oh. Also like my Ex Lovah.

RF: And he’s a scientist.

Me: (actually mournful) Oh my fucking god. That IS my Ex Lover‼️

RF: No, it can’t be. And ironically he has the same name as me!

Me: (certain now) Omg, yes that’s him.

RF: No! (then he tells me the last name)

Me: Yes. I’m telling you that’s him.

RF: No‼️ Let me show you on Facebook.

Me: No. I’m telling you that’s definitely him. (shows me anyway) Yep. That’s him.

Then I excused myself to go upstairs and get my stuff from the office (I work in the same building where happy hour was). I had to scream at people to let them know the urgency of the situation because I certainly didn’t want to start crying in front of all my coworkers in a packed bar‼️

This sucks!  I literally turned him off. Gross!  Like something I did made us go from hot and heavy to nothing at all!  DID I SCARE HIM OFF EVERY WHITE GUY?  Did he finally decide to give a white guy a chance and I just proved him right that we’re all awful stereotypes.  Am I that white boy his mama always warned him about?  I mean, all of his friends that I know of are black.  He even went on that black gay men’s retreat shortly after our “breakup”.  This experience has inspired me for a story in a storytelling festival; it’s made me reevaluate the person that I am; it’s made me look back at our entire time together and question everything; it’s made me nervous that I’m totally misreading any signs that a guy gives me now; it inspired me to make a PUBLIC apology on Facebook where I called myself out on my white privileged bullshit.

Literally everything reminds me of him. We had so many inside “jokes”. And one of my best friends has the same name as him. How do I move on when I see his name pop up every time Red Flamingo texts me (which is everyday).

How do you rebound from the rebound?

afterTHOT: A Shitty Date

Here I go again with the brutal honesty.  One minute I feel like I’m on top of the world and the next I’m feeling like an epic failure when it comes to dating…

A couple Fridays ago I met my friend, the Red Flamingo, out for drinks with his coworkers.  At the first bar, we met this girl who was traveling from California on her own.  His coworkers called it an early night and we took this Traveler to Boystown with us.  While dancing at one of my favorite bars, this sexy black man started dancing with me!  I’ll refer to him as Tiny Dancer.  Then the Red Flamingo pushed me into him.  Although, we were already dancing, so it was kind of pointless, but he was trying to be a good wingman.  Tiny Dancer and I exchanged numbers and started texting all week.  We made plans to go out the next Sunday.  He even said that he thought I was 22y/o!  I’m sure that was a lie, but I’ll take it!

I flew to Jacksonville, FL, the hole of the earth, for work that week.  So from Thursday to Saturday I was doing nothing but drinking free dranks at work receptions.  Tiny Dancer picked me up that Sunday and we went to Pride Fest.  FullSizeRender (1)We were both running into people we knew all over the place.  And that was awkward at times considering half the people we ran into were my lovahs!  But one of his friends was a bartender and we got three free $14 sangrias each!  So the day was going well!

We ended up at one of the bars on the strip.  When one of my jams came on, I left him at the front bar to go dance in the back.  As I started getting my groove on, I had to let out a little fart.  That’s when I realized I’d been drinking ALL weekend and hadn’t eaten any food that day.  It totally ended up NOT being a fart.  I totally sharted myself!  And I mean it was pure liquid.  The back of my LIGHT BLUE shorts were completely covered in shit!  I was mortified!  So I ran to the bathroom and THANK GOODNESS a stall was open.  So I locked myself in and tried to clean myself up but there was no hope!  I sat in the stall for like 10min trying to figure out what the hell to do.  Then I decided to text Tiny Dancer and let him know that I sat in something really gross and had to leave.

He was sweet and found me in the stall and knocked on the door and asked to see how bad it was.  I said “NO!  It’s horrible, I have to go,” and I ran out of the club with my T-shirt stretched down to my knees.  Of course being Pride Fest, there were TONS of people on the street, so I cut down the side street toward the residential area and ordered an Uber.  Two Ubers cancelled on me in a row as I was just standing in the middle of the street covered in my own feces.  Then finally an Uber picked me up and I politely sat on my hip so as not to dirty up the seat.  I immediately rolled down the window as we started to drive off, and then the driver rolled down ALL THE WINDOWS!

Thankfully the Red Flamingo came to my rescue.  He told me to go home and wash my ass and he’d be right over with some green!  I was devastated and mortified, and Tiny Dancer and I have barely texted since!!!  Do you think he figured out what happened?  Do you think anyone in the dark club or on the street knew?!  Being independent, single and free is not quite as easy as I’d hoped!

The Scientryst pt 4: Explosive Results

Sorry for the delay again; it was Memorial Day/IML weekend and then my friend visited and then the Pride Parade!  I’ve just been so busy!  It’s also taken me a while because this next post hurts to write. This is a very touchy subject and I fear you may judge me. But I promised I’d be honest otherwise what’s the point. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. Now for the lengthy conclusion of The Scientryst…  

So I ended up asking The Scientist out on a few actual dates because I finally thought why the hell not?!  And on our last date, we were having a great time as usual.  However, when we got back to his place I sensed something was off but still being new to each other I couldn’t quite figure it out.  So I ignored it.  I stayed the night as usual and then he even kissed me goodbye the next morning.  Nearly a week went by before he contacted me again!  I had NO IDEA why he was ghosting me!!!  It was so unlike us to not text everyday.

Then at midnight on a Saturday, when I should’ve been out living up my single life but instead I was sitting up in bed with The Ex (because the situation was so crazy that we had to live in a studio together), The Scientist texted me.  His text essentially read:

“Honestly, I’ve enjoyed our time together, but your use of the word ‘nigga‘ is way too casual, and I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”

Disclaimer:  yes, I know it’s inappropriate to use this word as a white person.  However–and this is not an excuse but rather an explanation–after more than a decade of living with a black man and surrounding myself with people of color as my Chosen Family, it was a word that I picked up as a colloquial term.  It was more of a learned term rather than an appropriated one.  I had had conversations with my Chosen Family about the word and we had decided that they didn’t care whether I used it or not because I was part of their inner circle.  It was like a term of endearment.  Like I was accepted into a secret society.  I knew, and they knew, that I would NEVER use that word in public or around other black folks…until I did.  By accident.  Or maybe subconsciously I was testing the boundaries or trying to create a life that I once had with The Ex or a life I always desired.  Or perhaps I was subconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship before it had begun.  In any instance, I was just falling so fast and becoming VERY intimate with The Scientist so quickly that I automatically put him in that inner circle.  That in itself wasn’t fair as we were still new to each other and neither of us ready for anything serious.  But it also wasn’t fair because I didn’t discuss it with him as I had with my Chosen Family.

So I instantly texted him back to explain this, but I’m pretty sure he’d already blocked my number.  He’d blocked me on the dating app on which we met.  We were never connected on social media.  So we were over in the matter of an instant text message.  I.  Was.  Devastated.  Do you know how hard it is to hold back tears of heartbreak when you’re sitting in bed with The Ex who that recently broke your heart????  It takes every piece of energy in your bones!

I knew The Scientist was going abroad for a month-long business trip the next week. So I decided to give him the next few days to cool off and then I’d drop off a card with his door person.  I wrote a heartfelt apology and wished him safe travels, included some temporary tattoos as a peace offering and waited a month for his return. But a month came and passed with no response. Even though The Ex and I had been over for a very long time, the heartbreak was still fresh. I’d never dealt with heartbreak before and now suddenly I was dealing with a double heartbreak‼️ And I finally thought I was nearing the end of the Age of Heartbreak. It’s gut wrenching. Heartbreak is literally every emotion wrapped into one.

Okay, I lied. Next week’s post will be an epilogue to The Scientryst. And then I promised my friends I’d move on. Even I’m tired of thinking about the situation.  But you can’t help the way you feel, right?  Like is he the one that got away?  I try to think of it as I’m the one that got away!

afterTHOT: Boi From The Loop

So after grabbing drinks with Work Wifey on a random weeknight, we started walking back toward the train.  As we turned the corner on Lake and Michigan downtown in the Chicago Loop, I locked eyes with this sexy young, black man who was walking in my direction with his brother.  We’ll call him Boi From The Loop.  I eye-flirted, of course, and then kept on toward the train with Work Wifey.  However, as we turned the corner he comes running around the building and yells at me:

“Where are you going?”

Of course I turned around and started to physically flirt at this point.  I told him I had to get my Work Wifey to the train, because I don’t let her walk by herself after we’ve been drinking.  So Boi From The Loop and I decided to exchange numbers.  After NYE, we were texting and he said he drank so much he was drunk crying.  And I totally get what drunk crying is, but in the moment I was trying to make a joke which totally came out wrong and I said something along the lines of

“I totally understand crying.  I recently broke up with The Ex of 12yrs!”

What!

The!

Fuck!

What was I thinking!  And it’s even worse because you can edit texts before you send them!  Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him!  Hahaha!  I have such a learning curve when it comes to dating!!!

The Scientryst Pt. 3: Non-Dates

So besides the comfortable, intimate nights we’d have at his place, The Scientist and I were going on impromptu outings, and he was learning some of my darkest secrets (though, in retrospect, he didn’t quite share as many details about his life as I did). He was also asking a lot of questions about The Ex which kinda weirded me out, but I couldn’t help but bring him up in conversation considering he was a part of my entire adult life up until now.

Our next night out after the Associate Board Gala was after work when I was on my way home from running errands. I was hungry and wanted a drink with dinner, so I texted The Scientist and invited him out with me. I was super excited to see him, but his homebodiness was taking over and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go out. So I told him he had two train stops to make up his mind. But he said drinks are his weakness (more specifically gin, which I read on social media means you have psychotic tendencies), and he told me to meet him at his place so he could finish getting ready.

He answered the door in his underwear as he usually did with his long beautiful hair all swept up in a bun.  He finished getting ready, and I grabbed my bag and we headed out.  We ate some delicious sliders and had a couple drinks and when it came time to pay, he got out his wallet to split the bill as we’d done the time before.  I told him it was on me because I’d inviteIMG_8050d him out.  Then I quickly followed up by telling him that this was not a date because I wasn’t ready for a date with anyone.  He understood and suggested that we get another drink on him.  So we headed to the new arcade bar next door and sipped on some cocktails before heading to the back of the bar to play games.

Once in the back, he asked me if I’d ever played Killer Queen to which I responded no.  It’s a group game with two teams.  Ironically, 5 seconds later, these random people asked us if we wanted to play.  The next thing we knew, we were playing this game with a dozen strangers and having a blast!  I didn’t even know there were that many people in this bar at the time!  And one girl on our team actually recognized me.  It took us a minute, but then we figured out that she was an intern under The Ex.  *side eye

We had a great time, even though some guy from the other team came to help us win and hated that we lost every time.  We literally only won like twice out of 10 games.  But none of us cared.  We were only having fun.  The Scientist was so much fun and so laid back.  Then when it was time to leave, I told him I just had to grab my bag.  He then proceeded to ask me why I even brought it with me as if to say, “aren’t you spending the night?”  And of course this thrilled me.  And then we went back to his place and made love and chilled as I played with his hair and he told me to “get out his kitchen.”  A term I heard for the first time with him.  Yes, my chosen family is mostly comprised of black folks, but that don’t mean I know everything about black culture.  Hell, I don’t know everything about gay culture.  Or British culture (my dad is a Brit).  While lying there, I also admired his numerous tattoos.  In fact, during our 3 month tenure, he got a huge new tattoo outlined on his stomach.  It was a portrait that I’d jokingly make out with.  He thought I was so extra!  Or, as I’ve stated before, I prefer the term histrionic!

I was so excited to see the progress of this tattoo as the weeks would go on.  But the Scientryst would soon come to an explosive end, and I didn’t even see it coming…

The Scientryst Pt. 2: Secret Lovers

So the first time The Scientist and I went out together in public was almost a week after meeting.  He charmingly asked me to take him for drinks via text while I was at my Associate Board Gala which was a ticketed event.  Ironically, though, we did have a free after party up the street for which I had several drink vouchers.  So I convinced him to get dressed, hop in a Lyft, and come downtown to meet me.  This is a lot for him since he’s a homebody (at least in the winter which is normal in the Windy City).  But it just so happened to be a beautiful spring day in November in Chicago!  He met some of the people on my Associate Board, all of whom are more of acquaintances rather than friends.  And the couple we ended up hanging with for the majority of the night were new to the board, so I didn’t yet know them at all.  So we still never met each other’s friends.  In fact, I did do a little bit of some online stalking and creeped his Facebook page.  We had one mutual friend–also an acquaintance for both of us.  So really no chance of our paths crossing if we decided to never see each other again.

In the Lyft ride home, after several drinks, we made out a little and this is where I confessed for the first time that my “horrible roommate situation” was really me living with The Ex, which he had pretty much deducted on his own.  This, I think, was thFile_001e first time I stayed the night at his place.  Thankfully he lived a few blocks away from my apartment, so I could easily get up and get ready for work the next morning.  Eventually he gave me a toothbrush to keep at his place since I was staying the night so frequently. That kind of freaked me out because to me that meant we could’ve been becoming serious–and I wasn’t ready for that!

As time passed, I couldn’t get him off my mind, though. While visiting friends in NYC for Thanksgiving, one of them noticed that my “face would just light up” every time my secret lover would text me.  I of course tried to deny it, and then gave into peer pressure to show them a picture of the new lovah. I didn’t want to show them a picture because that would make it too real. Or it could jinx us! But they were right.  I couldn’t wait to get my daily texts from The Scientist.  I couldn’t wait to see him.  I tried to not be too clingy and ask myself over, but I would get so excited every time he would invite me!

You’ll have to come back next week to learn more about our nights together.