Okay, so something went wrong in my editing between my phone app and the desktop. I like the last post The Scientryst: A Reflection, but I also like some of the insights I included in this post (they were supposed to be the same post). So I’m going to post them both, please excuse any redundancy.
So I needed one more post to reflect upon the emotions I have been feeling for the entirety of 2017 thus far. Forgive me if it’s a little lengthy. Then I will officially say goodbye as these thoughts are not only getting on my friends’ nerves, they’re even bugging me!
I feel somewhat guilty at the fact that I’m more hurt over The Scientist than I have been over The Ex of 12yrs! But then again, The Ex and I had a few years to fizzle out and come to terms with the breakup. And the situation with The Scientist was so SUDDEN and UNEXPECTED! And he’s the first person to ever cut me off! EVER! It’s essentially the first time I’ve been dumped (even though we weren’t a couple). And sure, it sucks when you get rejected in the club or online, but it’s not the same when you don’t have some feelings or a rapport with those people. This is really hard for me to deal with.
At first I wondered if I was just seeing The Scientist to avoid my troubled home life with The Ex. But then I realized once I no longer had him, I actually did like The Scientist. Sure, I probably was using him to escape The Ex, but I was also seeing him because I really liked him. I miss the way his body felt in my arms. I miss the way his arms felt around me. I missed our conversations and the fact that he liked documentaries. I feel psychotic! Literally, I can’t get him off my brain. I’m obsessed. Now I can understand (somewhat) how stalkers are created! How could I give him so much power over my thoughts, though! Sure, I made a mistake, but he doesn’t deserve my every thought. And I prolly don’t even cross his mind. But did I deserve to be cut off so easily? How could he do it so easily?
I even sent him flowers a few months after he returned from his biz trip because he was still (is still) on my mind. I wrote him another card to go along with it and had the florist custom make a vase arrangement for me and deliver them to him. He never even responded to that. I prolly wrote all the wrong shit in that last letter too. I was open and honest as I always was. I even called him out on some stuff which maybe wasn’t the right approach, but none of the other approaches worked either, and I knew this would prolly be the last time I ever “communicate” with him.
Was it a cop out? A lot of my friends think it was. I mean, it had to be right? I mean, I wasn’t worth a conversation to him? And sure, black people are oppressed and micro-aggressed on a daily basis, so I’m sure it gets tiring to “educate” people. But the worst part is, I didn’t need an education. I am “woke” enough to know what’s inappropriate. And he has every prerogative to choose the people in his life. Especially as an adult. I envy his ability to do it so easily. I’m realizing I have more trouble letting go than I realized. Especially if I feel guilty (example: 12yrs in a relationship that ended toxic). Some friends think he secretly already had a boyfriend, but I was with him enough to know that prolly wasn’t true. And now that Red Flamingo knows him, every time he tells me a story about him, it just confirms how sweet, cute, and classy The Scientist is. While I continue to realize how trashy I was. And I’ve always been known as a classy person to my friends.
So how did Red Flamingo meet The Scientist? Well, let me set up the story a bit. I met them both online around the same time last year. And ironically they both share the same uncommon name. In fact, I met three people online with that same name in the matter of a month. And now a name that I pretty much never heard pops up everywhere in my life these days. So maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’d thought. And it’s usually a family name it seems. Anyway, so after The Scientist cut me off, the situation inspired me to write about it in a storytelling festival shortly thereafter. I had explained the situation to Red Flamingo as a friend but then he came and watched me perform the story which gave him a little more background. That was a Tuesday. That Friday, Red Flamingo went to the burbs on a black gay men’s retreat. We texted throughout that next week and made plans to do happy hour the following Friday. We met at one of our fave places downtown with the best deals. And as usual there were about 8 of us in the booth. And Red Flamingo and I were stuck in the middle. We were chatting and he was telling me about the friends he made at the retreat which was so exciting because he’s a little shy and socially awkward. He’d be the first to admit it, so I was super excited for him‼️ He then tells me that he was meeting them all for brunch that Sunday. Super exciting. He then proceeds to tell me about the guy who was organizing the brunch and starts describing him:
RF: He had long, beautiful, kempt dreadlocks.
Me: (playfully mournful) Oh, like my Ex Lovah!
RF: He has beautiful artistic tattoos too.
Me: (realizing the irony) Oh. Also like my Ex Lovah.
RF: And he’s a scientist.
Me: (actually mournful) Oh my fucking god. That IS my Ex Lover‼️
RF: No, it can’t be. And ironically he has the same name as me!
Me: (certain now) Omg, yes that’s him.
RF: No! (then he tells me the last name)
Me: Yes. I’m telling you that’s him.
RF: No‼️ Let me show you on Facebook.
Me: No. I’m telling you that’s definitely him. (shows me anyway) Yep. That’s him.
Then I excused myself to go upstairs and get my stuff from the office (I work in the same building where happy hour was). I had to scream at people to let them know the urgency of the situation because I certainly didn’t want to start crying in front of all my coworkers in a packed bar‼️
This sucks! I literally turned him off. Gross! Like something I did made us go from hot and heavy to nothing at all! DID I SCARE HIM OFF EVERY WHITE GUY? Did he finally decide to give a white guy a chance and I just proved him right that we’re all awful stereotypes. Am I that white boy his mama always warned him about? I mean, all of his friends that I know of are black. He even went on that black gay men’s retreat shortly after our “breakup”. This experience has inspired me for a story in a storytelling festival; it’s made me reevaluate the person that I am; it’s made me look back at our entire time together and question everything; it’s made me nervous that I’m totally misreading any signs that a guy gives me now; it inspired me to make a PUBLIC apology on Facebook where I called myself out on my white privileged bullshit.
Literally everything reminds me of him. We had so many inside “jokes”. And one of my best friends has the same name as him. How do I move on when I see his name pop up every time Red Flamingo texts me (which is everyday).
How do you rebound from the rebound?