Well, May 9 was the official halfway mark for my resolution, thus June starts the last half of the year. As you can imagine, it’s getting harder to randomly draw a number that hasn’t already been drawn before (because if you’ll recall, I actually use a random number generator online rather than actually pulling remaining names from a hat).
So that does take a little extra time each morning when I have to “draw” a new number two, three times in a row. And sometimes that takes even more time because there’s no WiFi on the train, and I’m usually outta data so I’m constantly getting yelled at by my dad because we’re on a plan together. Ha! But it’s a time well spent because it’s something I’m dedicated to. Although I suppose I could re-sort the spreadsheet in a way that could make it easier? I’d have to think a little harder about that. Ha!
Sometimes I think the inspiration that I draw each day is not in fact random but chosen by the universe for particular reasons. On occasion I think it’s because specific people need to hear from me or hear about the good they do in this world. People deserve to know how they’ve impacted someone else in life. For example, I drew a friend who had recently had surgery and she needed some encouragement, but I obviously didn’t pick her on purpose. Ironically, though, I don’t think I’ve drawn anyone on their birthday yet. Sometimes, however, I believe the universe chooses certain inspirations because I need to express particular feelings on those particular days.
You know, it’s kind of sad after drawing some of my favorite inspirations because I know that I won’t pull them again. The magic of not knowing is gone. The excitement of writing to something so special to me is now over. But perhaps that just means I write something else because of that inspiration. Maybe that inspiration will inspire a new project or a stronger connection to that inspiration.
This is a pic of my fave tree in Chicago! I wrote a letter to it in this batch of inspirations!
Well…this round of letters includes dedications to two people who have impacted my life immensely: The Scientist and my sister. This is part of the reason this batch has taken me so long. I’ve been equally excited and nervous to write these letters, and I wanted to do them justice.
It’s ironic that I drew The Scientist on the day that I did because I’m pretty sure it’s the anniversary of (or close to) the date that I sent him flowers as an apology. He will never know how sorry I am and how much he’s truly inspired me to be a better person. Writing “to” him reopens those wounds of heartbreak, but I can’t deny the fact that he has influenced my life in a variety of ways. I want to tell him a thousand times that I’m sorry. But that’s not what any of these letters are for. This letter is to thank him for his inspiration, so that’s how I’ll keep it. Besides, I’m not actually sending him the letter anyway; I promised him I wouldn’t bother him again. So it’s up to the universe if he ever sees these words.
As for my sister, I will love her so deeply until the end of time. But love rarely comes without heartbreak and it’s not like we haven’t hurt each other. But I don’t think I can ever describe the power of her inspiration on me in a few words. But I shall try…
Sometimes I write longer letters than other days. Each inspiration gives me something different, that’s why. But some days it’s also the mood that I’m in. Some days my brain just isn’t working as effectively. I hate when I forget to mention something really important about one of my inspirations and then I remember it a few days later. That’s why inspiration is so neat. It’s fluid.
For example, in my letter to The Ex, I forgot to mention his amazing cooking skills. But just the fact that I express my gratitude should get the message across that he is an inspiration.
Okay here comes another excuse for my tardiness in posting. But I’ve been distracted lately with finalizing things for my unemployment and food stamps. I also had a couple birthdays last week. And then I started a contract job last week. I had a very terrible couple days last week. I mean just the worst I’ve had in a very long time. And believe me, I can handle stress. Struggle is all I’ve ever known, so when it gets to a point that it effects me, then it’s a lot all at once.
But these are exactly the times I need my inspiration. So writing my letters has been slow this week but very much needed.
So I took an extra day this week to write my letters. One in particular demanded more time and focus as it was dedicated to The Ex. I wanted to make sure his letter was full. But it’s difficult to put into words the emotions, feelings, and power that he bestowed upon me. There’s no one in this world that has had an impact on my life like he had. We may no longer be boyfriends, but his influence on my life is so grand and everlasting. And that can never be taken away.
When writing my letters of inspiration, I try to keep them each positive. I say this because I find myself wanting to make statements such as “you did this despite that.” But I’m not trying to point out the faults of my inspirations. On the other side of things, I also know that I can’t put any idol too high on a pedestal. But these letters are meant to thank my inspirations not pick them apart. I am who I am because of them, even if they made mistakes in the past. Sometimes I even find myself wanting to apologize to them as well. But the purpose of this Bday Resolution isn’t to bring up the dark parts of our pasts together. It’s to uplift the good they’ve done for me. I’m so grateful for all of my inspirations because of where they’ve brought me to today.