My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best.
I had to go over to The Ex’s to tie up some loose ends the other day. While there, I had a cocktail and caught up with him and his friend. Then he walked me to the bus stop so that he could vent a little about this friend. Apparently this friend was betraying his trust and sneaking to read his text messages. I was totally confused as to why this friend would be all up in his bitnass like that.
Me: There’s no reason for him to be in your personal stuff like that. (as we continued down the block, I stopped, stepped back, and threw my hands up). Unless he’s your new boyfriend.
The Ex: Well he’s not over at my place helping me clean for no reason. But we’re not there yet.
Okay, now he’s being honest and open. Okay, this is a good thing, as I don’t want to lose him entirely. We spent our entire adult lives together thus far.
Me: Oh ok. Well, he still don’t needa be prying like that. We were together almost 12yrs and I still never invaded your privacy. Well, not until the very end because you was lyin’. We not gonna get into that right now, but you know you was lyin’.
Then we both laughed. He didn’t deny that he was runnin’ around behind my back actin’ brand new. He opened up to me. He admitted his betrayal.
So then on Monday I performed one of my stories from my personal repertoire at a weekly event. I was booked last minute so I didn’t really invite anyone to come. Then The Ex called me on the day of the show. When he found out I was performing, he promised to come. Well, I gave up on his promises long ago, yet he actually did show up. I was the first to go on, and he literally left right after my performance. So he was there just to support me. That’s sweet. He also convinced TENB (The Ex’s New Boo) to come watch as well, but he was late arriving so he missed my performance and missed The Ex. So The Ex text me after he’d left to ask me to keep an eye out for him since his phone died and he wasn’t able to let him know that he’d left. What the fuck! How did I end up chatting over a drink at the bar with TENB?! ONLY IN MY LIFE! But I’m glad The Ex and I can move forward peacefully and with love.
So recently I randomly ran into The Ex out in public for the first time…it was also the first time he met any of my new friends.
Red Flamingo and I were dining at the fine establishment of Micky D’s, and I had my back to the entrance (a very non-mafia thing to do). Suddenly out of nowhere I notice this hand reach down from behind me and snatch some of my fries. Now if you knew me, you’d know that French fries are my second favorite food next to chocolate. I could live off of those two things if I had to!
I look up, and to my amazement it was The Ex. We’re not in either of the neighborhoods in which we both live, so I didn’t really expect to see him. Although we both lived in that neighborhood together for years. So it was a bit nostalgic. I introduced him and his loser friend to Red Flamingo, who didn’t hear the name and wasn’t quite sure who The Ex was at first. Then when they went to order their food, Red Flamingo asked me if that’s who he thought it was. I let him know that it was.
Red Flamingo was like “I had to read your cues because I wasn’t sure if I should’ve scooted over to let them sit with us.” And I was like “Ida been mad!” Red Flamingo then joked that that would’ve been the second time he trapped me with an ex! Ha!
Then The Ex and his friend sat across the restaurant. It’s the FIRST time The Ex and I have been in the same venue and eaten at separate tables. It was a bit weird. All for the best, but it still hurt. He still breaks my heart when I think about the situation.
I am about to break my promise again, but as we draw nearer to Red Flamingo’s bday party on Saturday, I’m FREAKING OUT. I know I said I wouldn’t bring up The Scientist again, but shit, how can I not think about him. Am I psychotically obsessed? No, right? I mean it makes sense that I’d be freaking out about seeing him for the first time in 7 months.
I have to be the best version of me: I have to look fabulous, be cordial, not be fake, be sweet, have fun, and look like I’m full of life. He needs to see what he’s missing.
I’ve played out a million scenarios in my mind of how it could all go. Of course I want us to run back into each other’s arms, but the fact of the matter is that’s not going to happen. I mean, c’mon, he ain’t even corresponded with me one single way for over 7 months now‼️ I’m a monster to him. And then if it does go so well that we converse and have a great time together, that won’t be fair because of the fact that he ain’t wanna mess wit me for over 7 months.
I realized this will be the first time we hang out together in a group of friends. So will I see a different side of him? Red Flamingo keeps telling me all kinds of things that make him seem way cooler than I already thought he was. There’s so much he didn’t reveal about himself. Either that, or he lied about shit. I don’t want my other friends to finally meet him and realize just how cool he is and then think that I’m a jerk. They won’t because they’re my friends. But FUCK!
This will also be the first time that we will be out together and I won’t be going home with him. That’s gonna be super hard. I feel like this weekend is going to be heartbreak all over again‼️ I’m not ready. I’ve been hoping for 7 months now that I’d see him again, but this is going to be so hard‼️ I literally took the following Monday off of work for a mental day. Fuck. I am completely mental, aren’t I?
But we’ll still have fun bc we’re there for Red Flamingo’s bday! It’s all about him. It’s not about me or The Scientist. But how do I interact? My friends tell me to keep it short and sweet with my answers and conversation. But I can’t let it be about me on my friend’s bday. Even though he’s not gonna live past 28! We gon win dat game, but Red Flamingo ain’t escaping that room…because Ima kill him! Ha!
I asked the Magic 8 Ball app if I was going to be heartbroken all over again, and of course its response was matter-of-factly “Yes, for sure.” Have any of you ever been in similar situations⁉️ Do you have any advice⁉️⁉️⁉️ I thought my Age of Heartbreak was over.
Ok. Don’t hate me. I know I promised to not bring up The Scientist again. But it’s only appropriate for this week’s afterTHOT to talk about him. Such ironic timing. Once I realized Red Flamingo was becoming friends with him, I realized there’s a possibility that he could be invited to Red Flamingo’s birthday party this month. Sho nuff. Red Flamingo invited him to his bday (and of course I secretly really wanna see him). He did ask me first if that was okay which is sweet, but I told him this is his bday and he should invite whom he wants. I think The Scientist is a great guy, so he should be friends wit him. And I know Red Flamingo is searching for more black friends. I get that. We all want to be with people of our own kind. And I respect that. But at first Red Flamingo didn’t want to tell The Scientist that we knew each other, but I told him it’s not fair if I know he’s coming and he doesn’t know I’m coming. What’s worse is Red Flamingo wants to do one of those zombie, team-building escape rooms. Wtf‼️‼️ You not only want us to both come to your party, but you wanna lock us both in a confined room together for an hour⁉️⁉️ But I finally convinced Red Flamingo to tell The Scientist that I’ll be there. The Scientist said ok and agreed to come. So he obvi don’t hate me so much he won’t show. But the situation (and my mind) is fucked up‼️ Who gets into these situations⁉️ So now I have a week to stress and anticipate every scenario in the book‼️
Ok. Don’t hate me. I know I promised to not bring up The Scientist again. But it’s only appropriate for this week’s afterTHOT to talk about him. Such ironic timing. Once I realized Red Flamingo was becoming friends with him, I realized there’s a possibility that he could be invited to Red Flamingo’s birthday party this month. Sho nuff. Red Flamingo invited him to his bday (and of course I secretly really wanna see him). He did ask me first if that was okay which is sweet, but I told him this is his bday and he should invite who he wants. I think The Scientist is a great guy, so he should be friends wit him. And I know Red Flamingo is searching for more black friends. I get that. We all want to be with people of our own kind. And I respect that. But at first Red Flamingo didn’t want to tell The Scientist that we knew each other, but I told him it’s not fair if I know he’s coming and he doesn’t know I’m coming. What’s worse is Red Flamingo wants to do one of those zombie, team-building escape rooms. Wtf‼️‼️ You not only want us to both come to your party, but you wanna lock us both in a confined room together for an hour⁉️⁉️ But I finally convinced Red Flamingo to tell The Scientist that I’ll be there. The Scientist said ok and agreed to come. So he obvi don’t hate me so much he won’t show. But the situation (and my mind) is fucked up‼️ Who gets into these situations⁉️ So now I have a week to stress and anticipate every scenario in the book‼️
I’d like to apologize (to all 5 of you) for my hiatus in writing. This breakup, which is essentially a divorce after 12 years, has been very emotional. I never knew how many feelings were all rolled up into heartbreak–guilt, loneliness, confusion, anger, sadness, and so many more. So it’s very difficult to process the feelings so publicly sometimes–or period for that matter. I also felt like I was getting a little too journally and bitching about my problems. I’d rather steer clear of the whining and be more reflective so that I can share the lessons I’ve learned with all of you. And as always, any advice you can share is most welcome! Those of us going through this will eventually cross that bridge over troubled waters.