February was another month I was extremely busy with planning an event for over 700 guests, so finding time for myself was not easy. I planned to go see Black Panther and take myself to dinner, but then I decided to take The Ex to the movie on his birthday instead. He did take me out for a $100 sushi dinner for mine, so it seemed right. I know a lot of you might think I was headed down a very dangerous path by taking him out after all the things I wrote about him doing last year. But it’s hard to let go of 12 years together. But I am cautious enough to keep him at arm’s length.
I did go out almost every night in February. So I definitely treated myself, but I’m trying to make a conscious effort of planning one night to spoil myself. I’ll make a stronger effort next month.
Well I survived 2017, but it wasn’t easy. Amazing things happened throughout the year as I claimed my independence and freedom as a single person. I tried to document my journey along the way, but it was a lot harder to document while still processing the emotions than I realized. Yes, writing helps me process but it also forces me to think about the situation which I wasn’t always ready to do. My last post was in August, and a few weeks later would’ve been mine and The Ex’s official 12th anniversary. Ironically our anniversary of becoming exclusive was 9/11. That should’ve been a sign.
It was also difficult to write about the loved ones who hurt me while also respecting their privacy. But then again, why should I hold back from sharing factors of my own truths; they haven’t considered my feelings.
I made mistakes. I battled a double heartbreak. I was faced with discovering who I really am. Do I enjoy and respect that person? I tried to be honest and open with my chosen family and my lovahs. I gained new friends. I met new lovahs and lost other lovahs. I embarrassed myself. I was proud of myself. I earned a grant and produced a show. I worked hard and played harder. I created a demo for an EP all about my road to independence and performed those songs and some stories for my annual birthday show. It was one of the most healing processes I’ve ever gone through. That really does just prove the power of art. And now I understand the strength and popularity of heartbreak albums in so much more depth.
My experiences inspired my current Birthday Resolution which I realized I haven’t announced yet. During my 34th year I am going on a monthly date with myself. Taking myself on dates is something I’ve been doing for years, even while dating The Ex. But this year I wanted to make a conscious effort to do so regularly, so stay tuned to hear all about them!
Well I’m late on this post (as per usual) bc my weekend was jam packed full of fabulosity. My weekends have always been busy, but now that I’m single, I am filling every moment with life‼️ It started with seeing a new musical with old friends out in the burbs. Before the show, we had dinner on a fancy rooftop terrace where we mingled with the Artistic Director and the Director and some cast members.
Then on Saturday I saw The Ex to take care of some bitnass. Then I went and hung out wit my girl Scary and her baby and best friend from way back when. Then Red Flamingo and I met another friend in Boystown to celebrate his bday in the aftermath of Market Days. We had a ton of impromptu adventures. We found a random photo booth in the middle of the street and took pics. Then we found a random free late nite magic show in an empty storefront. We watched the magician do some cute parlor tricks and some devil shit and left with cute souvenirs. Then we met up with my Sister In Divorce (SID) and his new boyfriend and we drank a bottle in the middle of the shut down street so we could people-watch before going into a club on the north side of the strip to dance. Every club in the heart of Btown was too expensive and I’ve never, in all my years here, seen the lines so long. There were literally three lines wrapped around the block just to get into Progress. Those fools. The club ain’t even that big so you ain’t gettin in tonite, boos‼️ Then a bar fight broke out right next to me on the dance floor. I had to literally push them off of me but couldn’t step back because of the wall of people behind me. SID pulled Red Flamingo back into his arms and pushed his bf behind him to protect them as we heard the thump of a fist in a chest. I was left to defend myself. Hahaha. The one guy flew to the floor. They was both sexy. And then he jumped to his knees like some Arya Stark shit. And then he just got up and walked away. The battle was over. The next day we continued to celebrate our friend’s bday and did $10 bottomless mimosas/bloodys in our hood. The server was sexy AF but not very attentive. And then we went to Market Days and enjoyed live music and dancing in the street. I missed Ce Ce Peniston perform though. I always miss the concerts I wanna see on the south stage. I missed La Bouche last year. 😒😒 But I had a blast. Then I ran into tons of friends. Then me and Red Flamingo and the bday boy went to my place to watch GoT and Issa…
My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best.
I had to go over to The Ex’s to tie up some loose ends the other day. While there, I had a cocktail and caught up with him and his friend. Then he walked me to the bus stop so that he could vent a little about this friend. Apparently this friend was betraying his trust and sneaking to read his text messages. I was totally confused as to why this friend would be all up in his bitnass like that.
Me: There’s no reason for him to be in your personal stuff like that. (as we continued down the block, I stopped, stepped back, and threw my hands up). Unless he’s your new boyfriend.
The Ex: Well he’s not over at my place helping me clean for no reason. But we’re not there yet.
Okay, now he’s being honest and open. Okay, this is a good thing, as I don’t want to lose him entirely. We spent our entire adult lives together thus far.
Me: Oh ok. Well, he still don’t needa be prying like that. We were together almost 12yrs and I still never invaded your privacy. Well, not until the very end because you was lyin’. We not gonna get into that right now, but you know you was lyin’.
Then we both laughed. He didn’t deny that he was runnin’ around behind my back actin’ brand new. He opened up to me. He admitted his betrayal.
So then on Monday I performed one of my stories from my personal repertoire at a weekly event. I was booked last minute so I didn’t really invite anyone to come. Then The Ex called me on the day of the show. When he found out I was performing, he promised to come. Well, I gave up on his promises long ago, yet he actually did show up. I was the first to go on, and he literally left right after my performance. So he was there just to support me. That’s sweet. He also convinced TENB (The Ex’s New Boo) to come watch as well, but he was late arriving so he missed my performance and missed The Ex. So The Ex text me after he’d left to ask me to keep an eye out for him since his phone died and he wasn’t able to let him know that he’d left. What the fuck! How did I end up chatting over a drink at the bar with TENB?! ONLY IN MY LIFE! But I’m glad The Ex and I can move forward peacefully and with love.
So recently I randomly ran into The Ex out in public for the first time…it was also the first time he met any of my new friends.
Red Flamingo and I were dining at the fine establishment of Micky D’s, and I had my back to the entrance (a very non-mafia thing to do). Suddenly out of nowhere I notice this hand reach down from behind me and snatch some of my fries. Now if you knew me, you’d know that French fries are my second favorite food next to chocolate. I could live off of those two things if I had to!
I look up, and to my amazement it was The Ex. We’re not in either of the neighborhoods in which we both live, so I didn’t really expect to see him. Although we both lived in that neighborhood together for years. So it was a bit nostalgic. I introduced him and his loser friend to Red Flamingo, who didn’t hear the name and wasn’t quite sure who The Ex was at first. Then when they went to order their food, Red Flamingo asked me if that’s who he thought it was. I let him know that it was.
Red Flamingo was like “I had to read your cues because I wasn’t sure if I should’ve scooted over to let them sit with us.” And I was like “Ida been mad!” Red Flamingo then joked that that would’ve been the second time he trapped me with an ex! Ha!
Then The Ex and his friend sat across the restaurant. It’s the FIRST time The Ex and I have been in the same venue and eaten at separate tables. It was a bit weird. All for the best, but it still hurt. He still breaks my heart when I think about the situation.
I’d like to apologize (to all 5 of you) for my hiatus in writing. This breakup, which is essentially a divorce after 12 years, has been very emotional. I never knew how many feelings were all rolled up into heartbreak–guilt, loneliness,confusion, anger, sadness, and so many more. So it’s very difficult to process the feelings so publicly sometimes–or period for that matter. I also felt like I was getting a little too journally and bitching about my problems. I’d rather steer clear of the whining and be more reflective so that I can share the lessons I’ve learned with all of you. And as always, any advice you can share is most welcome! Those of us going through this will eventually cross that bridge over troubled waters.