afterTHOT: Not So Magical

I am about to break my promise again, but as we draw nearer to Red Flamingo’s bday party on Saturday, I’m FREAKING OUT. I know I said I wouldn’t bring up The Scientist again, but shit, how can I not think about him.  Am I psychotically obsessed?  No, right?  I mean it makes sense that I’d be freaking out about seeing him for the first time in 7 months.

I have to be the best version of me: I have to look fabulous, be cordial, not be fake, be sweet, have fun, and look like I’m full of life. He needs to see what he’s missing.

I’ve played out a million scenarios in my mind of how it could all go. Of course I want us to run back into each other’s arms, but the fact of the matter is that’s not going to happen. I mean, c’mon, he ain’t even corresponded with me one single way for over 7 months now‼️ I’m a monster to him. And then if it does go so well that we converse and have a great time together, that won’t be fair because of the fact that he ain’t wanna mess wit me for over 7 months.

I realized this will be the first time we hang out together in a group of friends. So will I see a different side of him?  Red Flamingo keeps telling me all kinds of things that make him seem way cooler than I already thought he was.  There’s so much he didn’t reveal about himself.  Either that, or he lied about shit.  I don’t want my other friends to finally meet him and realize just how cool he is and then think that I’m a jerk.  They won’t because they’re my friends.  But FUCK!

This will also be the first time that we will be out together and I won’t be going home with him. That’s gonna be super hard. I feel like this weekend is going to be heartbreak all over again‼️ I’m not ready. I’ve been hoping for 7 months now that I’d see him again, but this is going to be so hard‼️ I literally took the following Monday off of work for a mental day. Fuck. I am completely mental, aren’t I?

But we’ll still have fun bc we’re there for Red Flamingo’s bday!  It’s all about him.  It’s not about me or The Scientist.  But how do I interact?  My friends tell me to keep it short and sweet with my answers and conversation.  But I can’t let it be about me on my friend’s bday.  Even though he’s not gonna live past 28!  We gon win dat game, but Red Flamingo ain’t escaping that room…because Ima kill him!  Ha!

FullSizeRender (3)I asked the Magic 8 Ball app if I was going to be heartbroken all over again, and of course its response was matter-of-factly “Yes, for sure.”  Have any of you ever been in similar situations⁉️ Do you have any advice⁉️⁉️⁉️ I thought my Age of Heartbreak was over.

Previous Commitments

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Twisted Love

I was finally in a place where I was beginning to love myself when The Ex and I met. And so I had made these promises to myself early on:

  1. Never become a teacher because school sucks!
  2. Never settle down with your first relationship because you need to know all your options.
  3. Don’t settle down before your career is underway.

Well, I fuckin’ broke all those rules. And I may have harbored some resentment that I projected onto The Ex, which is unfair I know, but I’m only human and this was my first relationship so I was learning on the go. But breaking those rules actually helped me accomplish some goals. Teaching theatre made me realize that my mission as an artist is not only to entertain but also to heal AND educate with my work. And I wasn’t missing out on fun with other guys because The Ex and I would bring other boys into the bedroom on occasion. And my career actually started to develop because of the support from The Ex. I am so grateful for everything he’s done for me. Neither of us would be where we are today without the other, though sometimes he may not recognize all that I did for him. Asshole. Seriously, he’s delusional.  *side eye*

My resentment toward myself for not “following my dreams” kept The Ex at arms length.  I almost always had one foot out the door.  That’s not commitment.  Yet I was committed to this man for over a decade. Don’t get it twisted, though. He was no saint. He made too many mistakes that I couldn’t forgive. My heart was fighting with my brain.  And I suppose that is true love.

I Had a Dream

What are your plans for the future?  What are your career goals? What are you going to do with your life?

Do those questions sound familiar to you?  They certainly do to me.  Maybe it’s because I’m a theatre major that I’m so used to people inquiring about my future.  Please excuse me, though, for not having a direct answer.  Sure I have dreams, but I can’t exactly plan my life out step by step in this industry.  There is a lot of rejection in this business.

Ironically, those same people asking about my future, are now giving the same answers to their own questions.  Not even six months ago those were the people giving me a hard time about my lack of direction; now they’re the ones with no plans!  Obviously having been in the same situation, I will not judge them.

I’m not saying we all have to have our lives mapped out.  It’s a new world now.  We have to thank the generations before us for fighting for our right to choose our own paths. Maybe they opened too many doors for us, though? Maybe it’s the economy that’s still making jobs hard to find?  Perhaps I no longer have the same goals as I did before?  These are exactly the reasons why I chose this resolution of Professional Development for 2012!  It’s made me more motivated–brought me back to place in my life that I haven’t been in a long time.  I jus wanna heal the world with my art. If I make money at it, even better!

Through all of this I’ve learned that it’s okay to change your mind:  Dreams are allowed to evolve.