April, May, June

Well I’ve done it again. I’ve just ignored my dates the past two months. Its not that I haven’t treated myself. Believe me I have. I just haven’t taken the time to plan out a date with myself. I know that in May, I at least woke up one Saturday morning and thought to myself “if ain’t nobody around today, Ima do brunch around the corner and have bottomless bloodies and mimosas by myself. It’ll be my date for May.”

And so that was my date as I sat at the bar and chatted with folks around me and with the bartender who also happened to be a philosopher.

However, I did just get back from a pseudo-planned solo trip to Cali for this month! It’s a mega-date with myself. I’ve always wanted to take a solo trip, even when I was with The Ex. And now I’m finally doing it. I’ve traveled alone to go meet people before, but this was a trip just for me. I didn’t meet up with anyone. I didn’t set any plans in stone. All I knew upfront was that I wanted to speed by some of the landmarks and focus on just exploring LA and San Fran. That’s right! I’ve always wanted to visit both places. I have preconceived notions about each city, but I had to make up my own mind through my own experience. I was nervous that I might not be as extroverted as usual and I’d be too shy to meet new people. But right off the jump I was already meeting people on the plane and riding the shuttle into the city together. I talk led to locals and dove bar bartenders for recommendations and did some of their suggestions. But in the end I mostly relaxed and walked within a 5 block radius of my room. I stayed in the gayborhood in both LA and SF. And drove up part of the PCH to view the scenic route. I could barely afford anything. And at first I got mad at myself for not exploring more, but I did explore and relaxed and found inner peace and tranquility. I learned a lot about myself which is for me and no one else.

I’m already ready for my next trip!

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Well I survived 2017, but it wasn’t easy. Amazing things happened throughout the year as I claimed my independence and freedom as a single person. I tried to document my journey along the way, but it was a lot harder to document while still processing the emotions than I realized. Yes, writing helps me process but it also forces me to think about the situation which I wasn’t always ready to do. My last post was in August, and a few weeks later would’ve been mine and The Ex’s official 12th anniversary. Ironically our anniversary of becoming exclusive was 9/11. That should’ve been a sign.

It was also difficult to write about the loved ones who hurt me while also respecting their privacy. But then again, why should I hold back from sharing factors of my own truths; they haven’t considered my feelings.

I made mistakes. I battled a double heartbreak. I was faced with discovering who I really am. Do I enjoy and respect that person? I tried to be honest and open with my chosen family and my lovahs. I gained new friends. I met new lovahs and lost other lovahs. I embarrassed myself. I was proud of myself. I earned a grant and produced a show. I worked hard and played harder. I created a demo for an EP all about my road to independence and performed those songs and some stories for my annual birthday show. It was one of the most healing processes I’ve ever gone through. That really does just prove the power of art. And now I understand the strength and popularity of heartbreak albums in so much more depth.

My experiences inspired my current Birthday Resolution which I realized I haven’t announced yet. During my 34th year I am going on a monthly date with myself. Taking myself on dates is something I’ve been doing for years, even while dating The Ex. But this year I wanted to make a conscious effort to do so regularly, so stay tuned to hear all about them!

Living My Fab Life

Well I’m late on this post (as per usual) bc my weekend was jam packed full of fabulosity. My weekends have always been busy, but now that I’m single, I am filling every moment with life‼️ It started with seeing a new musical with old friends out in the burbs. Before the show, we had dinner on a fancy rooftop terrace where we mingled with the Artistic Director and the Director and some cast members.


Then on Saturday I saw The Ex to take care of some bitnass.  Then I went and hung out wit my girl Scary and her baby and best friend from way back when. Then Red Flamingo and I met another friend in Boystown to celebrate his bday in the aftermath of Market Days. We had a ton of impromptu adventures. We found a random photo booth in the middle of the street and took pics. Then we found a random free late nite magic show in an empty storefront. We watched the magician do some cute parlor tricks and some devil shit and left with cute souvenirs. Then we met up with my Sister In Divorce (SID) and his new boyfriend and we drank a bottle in the middle of the shut down street so we could people-watch before going into a club on the north side of the strip to dance. Every club in the heart of Btown was too expensive and I’ve never, in all my years here, seen the lines so long. There were literally three lines wrapped around the block just to get into Progress. Those fools. The club ain’t even that big so you ain’t gettin in tonite, boos‼️ Then a bar fight broke out right next to me on the dance floor. I had to literally push them off of me but couldn’t step back because of the wall of people behind me. SID pulled Red Flamingo back into his arms and pushed his bf behind him to protect them as we heard the thump of a fist in a chest. I was left to defend myself. Hahaha. The one guy flew to the floor. They was both sexy. And then he jumped to his knees like some Arya Stark shit. And then he just got up and walked away.  The battle was over. The next day we continued to celebrate our friend’s bday and did $10 bottomless mimosas/bloodys in our hood. The server was sexy AF but not very attentive. And then we went to Market Days and enjoyed live music and dancing in the street. I missed Ce Ce Peniston perform though. I always miss the concerts I wanna see on the south stage. I missed La Bouche last year. 😒😒 But I had a blast. Then I ran into tons of friends. Then me and Red Flamingo and the bday boy went to my place to watch GoT and Issa…

And then I was alone again.

afterTHOT: Not So Magical

I am about to break my promise again, but as we draw nearer to Red Flamingo’s bday party on Saturday, I’m FREAKING OUT. I know I said I wouldn’t bring up The Scientist again, but shit, how can I not think about him.  Am I psychotically obsessed?  No, right?  I mean it makes sense that I’d be freaking out about seeing him for the first time in 7 months.

I have to be the best version of me: I have to look fabulous, be cordial, not be fake, be sweet, have fun, and look like I’m full of life. He needs to see what he’s missing.

I’ve played out a million scenarios in my mind of how it could all go. Of course I want us to run back into each other’s arms, but the fact of the matter is that’s not going to happen. I mean, c’mon, he ain’t even corresponded with me one single way for over 7 months now‼️ I’m a monster to him. And then if it does go so well that we converse and have a great time together, that won’t be fair because of the fact that he ain’t wanna mess wit me for over 7 months.

I realized this will be the first time we hang out together in a group of friends. So will I see a different side of him?  Red Flamingo keeps telling me all kinds of things that make him seem way cooler than I already thought he was.  There’s so much he didn’t reveal about himself.  Either that, or he lied about shit.  I don’t want my other friends to finally meet him and realize just how cool he is and then think that I’m a jerk.  They won’t because they’re my friends.  But FUCK!

This will also be the first time that we will be out together and I won’t be going home with him. That’s gonna be super hard. I feel like this weekend is going to be heartbreak all over again‼️ I’m not ready. I’ve been hoping for 7 months now that I’d see him again, but this is going to be so hard‼️ I literally took the following Monday off of work for a mental day. Fuck. I am completely mental, aren’t I?

But we’ll still have fun bc we’re there for Red Flamingo’s bday!  It’s all about him.  It’s not about me or The Scientist.  But how do I interact?  My friends tell me to keep it short and sweet with my answers and conversation.  But I can’t let it be about me on my friend’s bday.  Even though he’s not gonna live past 28!  We gon win dat game, but Red Flamingo ain’t escaping that room…because Ima kill him!  Ha!

FullSizeRender (3)I asked the Magic 8 Ball app if I was going to be heartbroken all over again, and of course its response was matter-of-factly “Yes, for sure.”  Have any of you ever been in similar situations⁉️ Do you have any advice⁉️⁉️⁉️ I thought my Age of Heartbreak was over.

Previous Commitments

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Twisted Love

I was finally in a place where I was beginning to love myself when The Ex and I met. And so I had made these promises to myself early on:

  1. Never become a teacher because school sucks!
  2. Never settle down with your first relationship because you need to know all your options.
  3. Don’t settle down before your career is underway.

Well, I fuckin’ broke all those rules. And I may have harbored some resentment that I projected onto The Ex, which is unfair I know, but I’m only human and this was my first relationship so I was learning on the go. But breaking those rules actually helped me accomplish some goals. Teaching theatre made me realize that my mission as an artist is not only to entertain but also to heal AND educate with my work. And I wasn’t missing out on fun with other guys because The Ex and I would bring other boys into the bedroom on occasion. And my career actually started to develop because of the support from The Ex. I am so grateful for everything he’s done for me. Neither of us would be where we are today without the other, though sometimes he may not recognize all that I did for him. Asshole. Seriously, he’s delusional.  *side eye*

My resentment toward myself for not “following my dreams” kept The Ex at arms length.  I almost always had one foot out the door.  That’s not commitment.  Yet I was committed to this man for over a decade. Don’t get it twisted, though. He was no saint. He made too many mistakes that I couldn’t forgive. My heart was fighting with my brain.  And I suppose that is true love.

I Had a Dream

What are your plans for the future?  What are your career goals? What are you going to do with your life?

Do those questions sound familiar to you?  They certainly do to me.  Maybe it’s because I’m a theatre major that I’m so used to people inquiring about my future.  Please excuse me, though, for not having a direct answer.  Sure I have dreams, but I can’t exactly plan my life out step by step in this industry.  There is a lot of rejection in this business.

Ironically, those same people asking about my future, are now giving the same answers to their own questions.  Not even six months ago those were the people giving me a hard time about my lack of direction; now they’re the ones with no plans!  Obviously having been in the same situation, I will not judge them.

I’m not saying we all have to have our lives mapped out.  It’s a new world now.  We have to thank the generations before us for fighting for our right to choose our own paths. Maybe they opened too many doors for us, though? Maybe it’s the economy that’s still making jobs hard to find?  Perhaps I no longer have the same goals as I did before?  These are exactly the reasons why I chose this resolution of Professional Development for 2012!  It’s made me more motivated–brought me back to place in my life that I haven’t been in a long time.  I jus wanna heal the world with my art. If I make money at it, even better!

Through all of this I’ve learned that it’s okay to change your mind:  Dreams are allowed to evolve.