February Date With Self

February was another month I was extremely busy with planning an event for over 700 guests, so finding time for myself was not easy. I planned to go see Black Panther and take myself to dinner, but then I decided to take The Ex to the movie on his birthday instead. He did take me out for a $100 sushi dinner for mine, so it seemed right. I know a lot of you might think I was headed down a very dangerous path by taking him out after all the things I wrote about him doing last year. But it’s hard to let go of 12 years together. But I am cautious enough to keep him at arm’s length.

I did go out almost every night in February. So I definitely treated myself, but I’m trying to make a conscious effort of planning one night to spoil myself. I’ll make a stronger effort next month.

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Well I survived 2017, but it wasn’t easy. Amazing things happened throughout the year as I claimed my independence and freedom as a single person. I tried to document my journey along the way, but it was a lot harder to document while still processing the emotions than I realized. Yes, writing helps me process but it also forces me to think about the situation which I wasn’t always ready to do. My last post was in August, and a few weeks later would’ve been mine and The Ex’s official 12th anniversary. Ironically our anniversary of becoming exclusive was 9/11. That should’ve been a sign.

It was also difficult to write about the loved ones who hurt me while also respecting their privacy. But then again, why should I hold back from sharing factors of my own truths; they haven’t considered my feelings.

I made mistakes. I battled a double heartbreak. I was faced with discovering who I really am. Do I enjoy and respect that person? I tried to be honest and open with my chosen family and my lovahs. I gained new friends. I met new lovahs and lost other lovahs. I embarrassed myself. I was proud of myself. I earned a grant and produced a show. I worked hard and played harder. I created a demo for an EP all about my road to independence and performed those songs and some stories for my annual birthday show. It was one of the most healing processes I’ve ever gone through. That really does just prove the power of art. And now I understand the strength and popularity of heartbreak albums in so much more depth.

My experiences inspired my current Birthday Resolution which I realized I haven’t announced yet. During my 34th year I am going on a monthly date with myself. Taking myself on dates is something I’ve been doing for years, even while dating The Ex. But this year I wanted to make a conscious effort to do so regularly, so stay tuned to hear all about them!

afterTHOT: Just Friends

My Cuddle Buddy broke up with me. He chose to take a chance on young love, and who am I to stand in his way? I wish him all the best, especially because he’s been feeling a little lonely and stressed lately. Cuddle Buddy, aka Lettuce, aka The21yo (although I suppose I can no longer call him that since he just turned 22) pursued me online a little while back. And that was definitely flattering considering I’m literally 12 years his senior. We chatted for a long while before actually meeting, and then the first time I went over to his place, we literally just cuddled. Well, until the morning when we had morning sex. That only happened twice, and then we continued to only cuddle. So I knew very early on that this was not going to be a serious relationship. Once again, I’m not even ready for that. But it was nice NSA intimacy. But then it did start to confuse me a little because I’ve never really had intimacy like that with someone I wasn’t interested in. I now understand why people like labels. And I’m glad that when I went over the night of his birthday, we gave ourselves a label and both agreed that we considered ourselves just friends. And then he proceeded to tell me that he’s about to choose between two of his other guys. Perhaps he felt like I needed to hear that out loud, and I appreciate that. I need communication and honesty—something that’s been lacking from my previous relationships. I’m glad we were on the same page, though, yet it still hurt to hear out loud. I think because it made me realize just how alone I really am. Then I realized that I no longer had my Cuddle Buddy. I need that touch from someone, but I’m so scared of it at the same time. I felt comfortable spooning with Lettuce. But oh well. I will survive. But after our conversation, we both laughed about how we’d kill each other if we were dating. Hell, we already got into an argument at the bar a couple weeks ago (I’m sure that’ll be another post sometime). In a lot of ways, he reminds me of The Ex so this is all for the best. 

App This

Dating apps are all the same. First of all, it’s the same people on every app. Second of all, they all treat you the same in every app. My coworkers convinced me to join Tinder because apparently now you can swipe left in groups with your friends. So me and these two little white girls from work decided to create a group together. So of course questions pop into mind: how does it work? Do we all three have to agree on a swipe? Nope. Figured that one out pretty quickly. Will we see individuals from the groups on the individual swipes? Not yet at least. What’s our game plan if we do get a match? Is it easier to Like other groups when they have the same amount of people? How do we tell if they’re looking for men or women? Why are so many of these groups so homogenous? Ugh. Is it bad that I don’t wanna match with an all white group? I mean, I am white. What does our group look like to others? Do we look like we lack diversity? 

Once we started getting matches, it was exciting at first. But then two of us noticed that it seems like the other girl keeps getting all the attention. But she’s great at responding to the messages. It’s also interesting to see her flirtation techniques. Much different than in person when we go to happy hour.  

However, there are just some thirsty dudes out there no matter what their sexuality is. And they say stupid shit. Doesn’t matter the app. Ugh, there weren’t even apps when I was last single. Shit, there weren’t even smart phones. 
On Grindr once, I told this guy that he had a “nice pic” with the waves crashing and the trees in the background. I mean he was cute but not drop dead gorgeous. Then he responded saying “thanks, I can’t say the same.” 

Wait, what? Are you one of those insecure types that doesn’t like his own pic, or are you saying I have a bad pic? So I asked him. Then we proceeded to argue about my eyeliner and it was clear this dude was never taught that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It was totally unnecessary and unwarranted. It’s clear he has not evolved enough. (Which is prolly what The Scientist thought about me…😔)

So then on Tinder in one of the group messages, this dude said “ChitChatJonny you’re out. Coworker Girl you’re in.” 

To which I responded, “why yes, I’ve been out for years now.”  

Then my other coworker sent a hilarious clap back gif and we pretty much moved on. Like we’re obvi on here as a group. 

We asked a straight duo to bring a friend for me and we think we coulda made that happen, but then I guess we didn’t respond quickly enough to they next message and they deleted us. What‼️Same shit on all these apps. That’s why I deleted Grindr a few weeks ago. For real this time‼️

The Scientryst: A Reflection

I’ve img_7111had time to reflect and of course a million things pop into my head:  Rejection sucks!  This is my first time being dumped even though we weren’t in a relationship!  It was the first and only time anyone has ever cut me off!  Anyone!  He was so classy and he never said that word, so what was I thinking?!  That means I’m just trashy, and I’ve always been classy!  Gross, I literally turned him off!  That ain’t cute!  Did I turn him off of all white people?  Like, I know most of his friends are black, so was I the one white boy he decided to give a chance to?  But I just ended up proving him right that all white people suck!  And now I’m a stereotype!  Gross!  

But was it fair for him to lead me on? To kiss me goodnight like nothing’s wrong?  Was it fair to cut me off after such intimacy? I mean I borrowed his underwear, lost his cock piercing inside my ass, received a hicky from him during passionate love-making, and I had a toothbrush at his place WHICH HE GAVE ME!  Guilt is my Achilles heel. 

How could I give one individual so much power over my emotions?  We were only seeing each other for three months and we weren’t even officially dating.  And it’s now been seven months since he cut me off!  What’s wrong with me?  I feel like a crazy psycho.  Especially because 2 almost 3 months after I dropped off the first card with his door person, I wrote him a longer one and sent him flowers!  Like it was a custom arrangement!  And he didn’t send me ANY RESPONSE!  All my words probably came out all wrong, and I even re-wrote the letter a bajillion times!  

I get that he has every right to choose the people in his life.  That’s his prerogative.  But I felt like he knew me enough to know that I’m not racist (no more than any other woke white person that is because we’re all a little racist).  Did he think that was a red flag and that it probably meant that I would do other stupid white people shit?  Am I the white guy his mama always warned him about?  And with this current political landscape, it must’ve come across even worse!  

I want to hate him but I can’t.  I want to be mad but I can’t.  Even though I feel as if it’s unfair of him to cut me off without a conversation.  But no one owes you anything in this world.  I feel like his excuse was a cop out.  Then I started to feel guilty like I’d let down all of my black brothers and sisters.  Every time I’d meet a new black person, I felt like I was going to let them down too.  It’s messed up how much this messed me up!  I even made a public apology on Facebook knowing that he’d never see it because we aren’t friends!  Let the world know that I was a racist POS!  And the worst part of it all was that I knew better.  I can’t claim ignorance like some bigot from my hometown in the south.  It really made me reevaluate who I am.  And that seemed to only be the beginning of me opening my mouth too much!  Oh to be independent, single, and free for the first time in your adult life at age 33 is not easy!

afterTHOT: Boi From The Loop

So after grabbing drinks with Work Wifey on a random weeknight, we started walking back toward the train.  As we turned the corner on Lake and Michigan downtown in the Chicago Loop, I locked eyes with this sexy young, black man who was walking in my direction with his brother.  We’ll call him Boi From The Loop.  I eye-flirted, of course, and then kept on toward the train with Work Wifey.  However, as we turned the corner he comes running around the building and yells at me:

“Where are you going?”

Of course I turned around and started to physically flirt at this point.  I told him I had to get my Work Wifey to the train, because I don’t let her walk by herself after we’ve been drinking.  So Boi From The Loop and I decided to exchange numbers.  After NYE, we were texting and he said he drank so much he was drunk crying.  And I totally get what drunk crying is, but in the moment I was trying to make a joke which totally came out wrong and I said something along the lines of

“I totally understand crying.  I recently broke up with The Ex of 12yrs!”

What!

The!

Fuck!

What was I thinking!  And it’s even worse because you can edit texts before you send them!  Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him!  Hahaha!  I have such a learning curve when it comes to dating!!!

afterTHOT: I Forgot My Jockstrap

So I’m finally conquering my feels and getting around to writing my first afterTHOT post. As I mentioned previously, these will be smaller posts about my experiences within the dating realm.

The first THOT Ima talk about is myself.  Early in mine and The Scientist’s “relationship,” I spent a glorious night at his place and the next day I actually got ready for work at his apartment.  So I jumped in the shower and he gave me a toothbrush.  A toothbrush, ya’ll!  That I left at his place!  This meant he wanted me to come back more often, right?!  So I’m totally not ashamed to wear the same pair of underwear two days in a row, but he was like, no borrow mine.  I’ll admit that weirded me out a bit, but it also kinda turned me on!  How could I resist borrowing a clean pair of undies from the cutest boy ever!  Well, in the midst of packing up my stuff and getting ready, I forgot my blue jockstrap (one of my fave pairs of undies) on his living room floor where I’d tossed them the night before in a throe of passion.

Later that day The Scientist’s Judies (as he refers to his friends like an old queen) came over and were chatting on his couch when he noticed my jockstrap on his shag rug.  He quickly hid it under the couch with a sweep of his foot.  And he almost got away with it too until one of his friends decided to lounge on the floor and happened to peak under the couch and recognize a pair of underwear that was not his style!  Of course they gave him a hard time for letting a trollop he barely knew walk out in his underwear.  But that’s the life of someone Independent Single and Free!