Cold and Cordial

So last night went exactly as I was predicting. The Scientist was cordial and said hi and even gave me an awkward hug to greet me. But he didn’t really talk to me nor did he even look my way. He hates me. And I did that. ūüėĒūüėĒ So now I must live with the consequences. He was on his phone all the time and uninterested. I don’t know if that’s how he is in group settings or if he just didn’t wanna be around me. And then he left after the escape room (in which we died ūü§£ūü§£). He was going to meet another friend. Prolly the person he was texting all night. I for real scared him off white boys and also “proved him right” about all of us. 

And just as expected, I’m heartbroken all over again. I will survive, but it’s gonna hurt for a while after reopening the wound. 

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

I’d like to apologize (to all 5 of you) for my hiatus in writing. ¬†This breakup, which is essentially a divorce after 12 years, has been very emotional. ¬†I never knew how many feelings were all rolled up into heartbreak–guilt, loneliness, confusion, anger, sadness, and so many more. ¬†So it’s very difficult to process the feelings so publicly sometimes–or period for that matter. ¬†I also felt like I was getting a little too journally and bitching about my problems. ¬†I’d rather steer clear of the whining¬†and be more reflective so that I can share the lessons I’ve learned with all of you. ¬†And as always, any advice you can share is most welcome! ¬†Those of us going through this will eventually cross that bridge over troubled waters. ¬†IMG_7698

Happy Birthday?

Today is The Ex’s birthday. ¬†(I told you that February was a very significant month.) ¬†And living with him is hard as hell. ¬†That’s part of the reason we broke up. ¬†But living with him and not being with him is even harder. ¬†Toxic at times. ¬†It’s also hard because I still love him. ¬†I have made it clear that we are no longer together, yet he continues to get angry when I tell him I’m going out or when I borrow a friend’s jeans because I stayed the night. ¬†I literally mean a friend. ¬†And I continue to accidentally hug him in he middle of the night because we only have one bed. ¬†And then I have to remind myself that we’re no longer together. ¬†Heartbreak all over again.

But just because you love someone, does not mean it’s healthy to be with that person. ¬†We’ve forgotten how to appreciate each other and sometimes we’re both downright spiteful. ¬†We need some time apart. ¬†Not that I’m saying we will get back together, but it’s hard to imagine my life without him after 12 years. ¬†But it’s hard to forgive the drugs. ¬†Earlier this morning a needle fell out of¬†my¬†jeans pocket. ¬†Well, I sure the hell knew it wasn’t mine. ¬†He looked at me and said it was one he used to slam someone else. ¬†Oh, so it wasn’t you that used it? ¬†That’s supposed to make it better? ¬†No the hell it doesn’t. ¬†It may actually make matters worse.

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Happy Birthday?

We’re supposed to try and go out tonight, but guess who’d be footing the bill? Well, it sure the hell isn’t The Ex who recently quit his job that took him a year to find! Bitch, I ain’t rich! I’m still in debt from the last situation you got us into! Where’s all the money you had from the job you just quit? In someone else’s arm? Why do I let myself get guilted into stupid shit all the time?

Let’s turn this into a reverse-advice column–would you celebrate The Ex’s birthday?

Age of Heartbreak

Given the nature of this blog, how can I not write a post on Valentine’s Day? Even though this was never a huge holiday for me and The Ex, it was still something we would at least casually acknowledge by exchanging small tokens. However, this will be the first Valentine’s I’ll spend as a bachelor in over a decade!

Will I celebrate? My independence, yes. But this day? This day, no. This day is for romance. And I’m not feeling romantic. I’m feeling heartbroken. As much as I appreciate a nice date, it just doesn’t seem appropriate during this new chapter in my life–a transitional stage I’ve deemed the Age of Heartbreak.

I never knew that heartbreak was more than sadness. But it is. It’s much more than that. It’s anger and resentment and sorrow and confusion. And worst of all it’s loneliness. A feeling with which I’m unfortunately all too familiar. I also never knew that someone other than your lover could cause you heartbreak. But anyone dear to you can break your heart.

Now this is one of those moments where it’s hard to share my story and be respectful of my loved ones while doing so. But I’ve made a promise to be honest and I’ve made attempts to keep everyone anonymous. Therefore I tell you this: ¬†The Ex and a Family Member both continue to break my heart as I watch them struggle with their respective addictions.

For over two years now The Ex has left needles and cock rings and douches around the house while trying to lie to me and tell me that he’s “holding them for a friend.” Like he’s a teenager hiding his bestie’s pornos under his mattress. No bitch, you had a sex party on the bed that we share! ¬†That’s why you had to wash the sheets. He’s also given my underwear away to his tricks. He’s given away my expensive lotions and toiletries. I’ve confronted him about sleeping with guys he’d bring over, and then he’d deny it. Bitch, I saw the video! And yet I still feel guilty when staying the night at someone else’s house. I gotta get out of this situation.

I can’t run away from my Family Member because we’re flesh and blood. And if I run away from The Ex, I feel like I’m abandoning him¬†in his time of need. But I gotta look out for myself. The countdown to the end of April is on!

February will have a few extra posts due to the significance that this month had in my recently ended relationship. Otherwise you can expect a new blog post every Sunday with a mini post known as the afterTHOT each Wednesday. 

Freedom Isn’t Free

For the first time in 33 years, I’m about to be completely on my own. It’s such an exciting time in my life. I think it’s something I’ve always wanted, yet I’m scared outta my fucking mind! Adulting with another adult is hard enough! How the hell do I do it by myself? Perhaps it’ll be easier because I’m not responsible for anyone else. But that seems a selfish way of thinking after a very, very LTR!

The Ex and I pretty much started our relationship on the day we met…which will be 12 years ago this month. However, I have no idea on which day our relationship ended. I suppose the last official day will be April 30, 2017 when our lease is up.  Yes, you read that correctly. I am living in a shitty, broke down, roach-infested box…With. The. Ex! I have deemed this studio apartment the Pigeon Hole. The view out the only window is a brick wall of the neighboring residence which forms a nasty little alcove with the brick wall of my residence. In this alcove, pigeons like to coo. Pigeons like to shit. Pigeons like to fuck. And they’re noisy fuckers.

So how the hell did I get conned into moving into a crappy, confined Pigeon Hole with The Ex?  Because you don’t just throw away 11 years (at that time), right? He’d provided for me. And now he was out of a job for the first time ever. But I was just starting my first full time job; I couldn’t support us both living in the one bedroom that we’d been in for 7 years.  And so we were kicked out and forced to find the Pigeon Hole. 

So why did it end after more than a decade? That’s an answer I have to be careful in formulating over the course of the coming weeks. I don’t want to be unfair to The Ex. We may despise each other now, but I have respect for him still. However, I promised myself I’d be honest to the 5 people reading this and to myself. So how did it end? Essentially the answer may be that we were doomed from the start like some Shakespeare shit…