Well I survived 2017, but it wasn’t easy. Amazing things happened throughout the year as I claimed my independence and freedom as a single person. I tried to document my journey along the way, but it was a lot harder to document while still processing the emotions than I realized. Yes, writing helps me process but it also forces me to think about the situation which I wasn’t always ready to do. My last post was in August, and a few weeks later would’ve been mine and The Ex’s official 12th anniversary. Ironically our anniversary of becoming exclusive was 9/11. That should’ve been a sign.

It was also difficult to write about the loved ones who hurt me while also respecting their privacy. But then again, why should I hold back from sharing factors of my own truths; they haven’t considered my feelings.

I made mistakes. I battled a double heartbreak. I was faced with discovering who I really am. Do I enjoy and respect that person? I tried to be honest and open with my chosen family and my lovahs. I gained new friends. I met new lovahs and lost other lovahs. I embarrassed myself. I was proud of myself. I earned a grant and produced a show. I worked hard and played harder. I created a demo for an EP all about my road to independence and performed those songs and some stories for my annual birthday show. It was one of the most healing processes I’ve ever gone through. That really does just prove the power of art. And now I understand the strength and popularity of heartbreak albums in so much more depth.

My experiences inspired my current Birthday Resolution which I realized I haven’t announced yet. During my 34th year I am going on a monthly date with myself. Taking myself on dates is something I’ve been doing for years, even while dating The Ex. But this year I wanted to make a conscious effort to do so regularly, so stay tuned to hear all about them!

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Emergency 

Call me psychotic. Call me obsessed. But I had to write an emergency post bc tonite is the nite‼️ Red Flamingo’s bday party is tonite and I’m. Freaking. Out‼️‼️ My friends tell me I’m overreacting and not to worry about The Scientist bc he’s already moved on. Right‼️ That’s part of what hurts so much‼️ The feelings were one way. It tore me up so much I told all my friends and even acquaintances. I really am crazy and spill the T to anyone (my business that is). Either way Ima be hurt tonite. Bc if it goes badly, that’s gonna suck. If it goes well, then Ima be angry that he cut me off without a word for so long and then decided to be nice. Now I’m just repeating what I said last time. But no. Cordial and polite is all that it can be. Beyond that will just not be fair. I’m expecting heartbreak all over again. Especially because I poured my soul out in a letter that prolly came out even worse sounding than what I’d originally said. Fuck‼️ But Ima be strong and confident and cheerful and fabulous and me‼️ Secretly there’s part of me that would love to meet his other friends tonite and have them love me and make him jealous‼️ But I can’t be petty. And I can’t be angry. We are adults and he made an adult decision that was best for his adult life. Not mine. But maybe in collateral it was best for me too. So stop freaking out‼️‼️‼️‼️

afterTHOT: Can I Escape

Ok. Don’t hate me. I know I promised to not bring up The Scientist again. But it’s only appropriate for this week’s afterTHOT to talk about him. Such ironic timing. Once I realized Red Flamingo was becoming friends with him, I realized there’s a possibility that he could be invited to Red Flamingo’s birthday party this month. Sho nuff. Red Flamingo invited him to his bday (and of course I secretly really wanna see him). He did ask me first if that was okay which is sweet, but I told him this is his bday and he should invite whom he wants. I think The Scientist is a great guy, so he should be friends wit him. And I know Red Flamingo is searching for more black friends. I get that. We all want to be with people of our own kind. And I respect that. But at first Red Flamingo didn’t want to tell The Scientist that we knew each other, but I told him it’s not fair if I know he’s coming and he doesn’t know I’m coming. What’s worse is Red Flamingo wants to do one of those zombie, team-building escape rooms. Wtf‼️‼️ You not only want us to both come to your party, but you wanna lock us both in a confined room together for an hour⁉️⁉️ But I finally convinced Red Flamingo to tell The Scientist that I’ll be there. The Scientist said ok and agreed to come. So he obvi don’t hate me so much he won’t show. But the situation (and my mind) is fucked up‼️ Who gets into these situations⁉️ So now I have a week to stress and anticipate every scenario in the book‼️

afterTHOT: Can I Escape

Ok. Don’t hate me. I know I promised to not bring up The Scientist again. But it’s only appropriate for this week’s afterTHOT to talk about him. Such ironic timing. Once I realized Red Flamingo was becoming friends with him, I realized there’s a possibility that he could be invited to Red Flamingo’s birthday party this month. Sho nuff. Red Flamingo invited him to his bday (and of course I secretly really wanna see him). He did ask me first if that was okay which is sweet, but I told him this is his bday and he should invite who he wants. I think The Scientist is a great guy, so he should be friends wit him. And I know Red Flamingo is searching for more black friends. I get that. We all want to be with people of our own kind. And I respect that. But at first Red Flamingo didn’t want to tell The Scientist that we knew each other, but I told him it’s not fair if I know he’s coming and he doesn’t know I’m coming. What’s worse is Red Flamingo wants to do one of those zombie, team-building escape rooms. Wtf‼️‼️ You not only want us to both come to your party, but you wanna lock us both in a confined room together for an hour⁉️⁉️ But I finally convinced Red Flamingo to tell The Scientist that I’ll be there. The Scientist said ok and agreed to come. So he obvi don’t hate me so much he won’t show. But the situation (and my mind) is fucked up‼️ Who gets into these situations⁉️ So now I have a week to stress and anticipate every scenario in the book‼️

Red, White, and Booze

I suppose I’ve procrastinated on writing about my last two drinking days because I don’t want them to be real. As summer approaches, it gets harder and harder to say no to a cool drink. There’s nothing like patio weather in Chicago to make one want to day-drink as a relaxation activity. Accidental binge drinking does occur for everyone in the city this time of year. Do my cravings make me normal or make me an alcoholic?!

Drinking Day #24 was Memorial Day — a beautiful day with friends and sangria at the Waterfront Cafe which overlooks Lake Michigan. It truly was a Red, White, and Blue day with red sangria, white clouds, and blue water!

  

About a week later I had drinks again when I went out with my girl to CeCe Peniston’s Sew Unique Swimwear fashion show on Friday. My girlfriend and I like to leave our men at home sometimes and have our own date nights. So it only seemed appropriate to have a drink while in the VIP section.

But now I have only 6 days left to last me until December 9th — technically the 8th since the 9th resets my year. Everyone has been asking me if I’ve had my days saved for specific dates, and up until now, I’ve just been going with the flow deciding as I go.  Of course I knew that some specific holidays would be Drinking Days, though. Now here is how I’m allocating the remainder of my Drinking Days:

  1. Chicago Pride Parade (June)
  2. Friend’s bachelor party (July)
  3. 4th of July (July)
  4. Sister’s birthday or Market Days Festival if I don’t see her for her birthday (August)
  5. Father’s birthday–if I see him during this occasion (September)
  6. Thanksgiving (November)

Wish me luck!

The Past 2 Drinking Days

So I drank on Easter, but barely got through one drink the whole day because I was coming down with a cold.  My acid has been bothering me quite a bit lately even without drinking, so I’ve been trying to eat better as well.  I should probably start taking some pills, though, too just to be on the safe side because too much acid reflux can lead to cancer.  Scary, right!

I also drank last night to celebrate the excitement and freedom of the Night of Noise event that the Illinois Safe Schools Alliance hosted at the Thompson Center in downtown Chicago to break the silence of the Day of Silence.  The DOS is a way to combat LGBTQ+ bullying in schools and the NON is a way to break the silence at the end of the day.  After the great event that my boyfriend organized with performances by my friends Mister E. Machine and up-and-coming artist James Panther, I went out with some other friends for drinks.  I was “in the mood,” whatever that means.   My boyfriend obviously had to stay behind and do some work since it was his event so it was just me and my two gay married friends.  Capitalizing on the fact that they were both getting flirted with by some guy at the bar, I got the gentleman to buy us all shots.  I’ve not been much of a shots person since I was 21, and now that I don’t drink that much at all, it probably wasn’t the best idea because the drinks they serve at this particular bar are already strong.  So my night ended with me puking out a cab window while we’re driving 45mph down Lake Shore Drive and getting yelled at by my boyfriend who had to provide me with a bedside trashcan and water once I got home.  I apologize to him and to the next person who opened the car door on the cab.  The emotional and physiological hangover is another reason why I am taking my 31-Day Challenge this year.

  

Right On Target

February 9 will officially make the two-month mark for Birthday Resolution, and I’m definitely going over my allotted days.  I’ve had eight drinks so far which breaks down to four a month!  I’m only supposed to have 2.5 days, which means some months at three days and some months at two.  But I don’t feel like I’m behind.  I’m learning that I don’t need the booze.  I’m feeling better and more energized, I’d say.  My acid is definitely not bothering me as much as it was.  Now if only I could cut out those fried foods next.  That’s  really the only things I’ve noticed that contributes to it lately.  No matter the current outcome, I’m still benefiting from this Birthday Resolution.