The Scientryst: A Reflection

I’ve img_7111had time to reflect and of course a million things pop into my head:  Rejection sucks!  This is my first time being dumped even though we weren’t in a relationship!  It was the first and only time anyone has ever cut me off!  Anyone!  He was so classy and he never said that word, so what was I thinking?!  That means I’m just trashy, and I’ve always been classy!  Gross, I literally turned him off!  That ain’t cute!  Did I turn him off of all white people?  Like, I know most of his friends are black, so was I the one white boy he decided to give a chance to?  But I just ended up proving him right that all white people suck!  And now I’m a stereotype!  Gross!  

But was it fair for him to lead me on? To kiss me goodnight like nothing’s wrong?  Was it fair to cut me off after such intimacy? I mean I borrowed his underwear, lost his cock piercing inside my ass, received a hicky from him during passionate love-making, and I had a toothbrush at his place WHICH HE GAVE ME!  Guilt is my Achilles heel. 

How could I give one individual so much power over my emotions?  We were only seeing each other for three months and we weren’t even officially dating.  And it’s now been seven months since he cut me off!  What’s wrong with me?  I feel like a crazy psycho.  Especially because 2 almost 3 months after I dropped off the first card with his door person, I wrote him a longer one and sent him flowers!  Like it was a custom arrangement!  And he didn’t send me ANY RESPONSE!  All my words probably came out all wrong, and I even re-wrote the letter a bajillion times!  

I get that he has every right to choose the people in his life.  That’s his prerogative.  But I felt like he knew me enough to know that I’m not racist (no more than any other woke white person that is because we’re all a little racist).  Did he think that was a red flag and that it probably meant that I would do other stupid white people shit?  Am I the white guy his mama always warned him about?  And with this current political landscape, it must’ve come across even worse!  

I want to hate him but I can’t.  I want to be mad but I can’t.  Even though I feel as if it’s unfair of him to cut me off without a conversation.  But no one owes you anything in this world.  I feel like his excuse was a cop out.  Then I started to feel guilty like I’d let down all of my black brothers and sisters.  Every time I’d meet a new black person, I felt like I was going to let them down too.  It’s messed up how much this messed me up!  I even made a public apology on Facebook knowing that he’d never see it because we aren’t friends!  Let the world know that I was a racist POS!  And the worst part of it all was that I knew better.  I can’t claim ignorance like some bigot from my hometown in the south.  It really made me reevaluate who I am.  And that seemed to only be the beginning of me opening my mouth too much!  Oh to be independent, single, and free for the first time in your adult life at age 33 is not easy!

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