afterTHOT: A Shitty Date

Here I go again with the brutal honesty.  One minute I feel like I’m on top of the world and the next I’m feeling like an epic failure when it comes to dating…

A couple Fridays ago I met my friend, the Red Flamingo, out for drinks with his coworkers.  At the first bar, we met this girl who was traveling from California on her own.  His coworkers called it an early night and we took this Traveler to Boystown with us.  While dancing at one of my favorite bars, this sexy black man started dancing with me!  I’ll refer to him as Tiny Dancer.  Then the Red Flamingo pushed me into him.  Although, we were already dancing, so it was kind of pointless, but he was trying to be a good wingman.  Tiny Dancer and I exchanged numbers and started texting all week.  We made plans to go out the next Sunday.  He even said that he thought I was 22y/o!  I’m sure that was a lie, but I’ll take it!

I flew to Jacksonville, FL, the hole of the earth, for work that week.  So from Thursday to Saturday I was doing nothing but drinking free dranks at work receptions.  Tiny Dancer picked me up that Sunday and we went to Pride Fest.  FullSizeRender (1)We were both running into people we knew all over the place.  And that was awkward at times considering half the people we ran into were my lovahs!  But one of his friends was a bartender and we got three free $14 sangrias each!  So the day was going well!

We ended up at one of the bars on the strip.  When one of my jams came on, I left him at the front bar to go dance in the back.  As I started getting my groove on, I had to let out a little fart.  That’s when I realized I’d been drinking ALL weekend and hadn’t eaten any food that day.  It totally ended up NOT being a fart.  I totally sharted myself!  And I mean it was pure liquid.  The back of my LIGHT BLUE shorts were completely covered in shit!  I was mortified!  So I ran to the bathroom and THANK GOODNESS a stall was open.  So I locked myself in and tried to clean myself up but there was no hope!  I sat in the stall for like 10min trying to figure out what the hell to do.  Then I decided to text Tiny Dancer and let him know that I sat in something really gross and had to leave.

He was sweet and found me in the stall and knocked on the door and asked to see how bad it was.  I said “NO!  It’s horrible, I have to go,” and I ran out of the club with my T-shirt stretched down to my knees.  Of course being Pride Fest, there were TONS of people on the street, so I cut down the side street toward the residential area and ordered an Uber.  Two Ubers cancelled on me in a row as I was just standing in the middle of the street covered in my own feces.  Then finally an Uber picked me up and I politely sat on my hip so as not to dirty up the seat.  I immediately rolled down the window as we started to drive off, and then the driver rolled down ALL THE WINDOWS!

Thankfully the Red Flamingo came to my rescue.  He told me to go home and wash my ass and he’d be right over with some green!  I was devastated and mortified, and Tiny Dancer and I have barely texted since!!!  Do you think he figured out what happened?  Do you think anyone in the dark club or on the street knew?!  Being independent, single and free is not quite as easy as I’d hoped!

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